“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
― Rumi
― Rumi
In the mere contemplation of love, we are humbled.
For who among us could ever claim to have "figured it out?" The
mysteries of love and how to make it work baffle even the most
well-intentioned. In many contexts, from parenting to marriage, friendship to
business relationships, we find that our best efforts often fail and
disappointment finds its way into our most valued sphere of life.
Why is this? There are many reasons, but they all
come down to a basic orientation in ourselves towards ourselves. In other
words, ever since the beginning of time, we have been basically looking out for number one, and
that is the surest way to destroy a relationship. We have a tendency to think
of ourselves first instead of the relationship itself. We are trying to get
what we want instead of seeing also the needs of others. And as a result of
this self-orientation we destroy all chances of getting what we want and need, which
in the final analysis is always love.
So, in an edition dedicated to love we thought it
appropriate to look at some of the things that we do that get in the way of
love. In some ways, it is also a look at maturity, for it is only the mature
person who loves well. We will be taking a look at the ways of functioning that
prevent love from growing in almost any context, whether it be, friendship,
marriage, parenting, work or really any and all relationships.
And before we get into looking at these traits,
one sober word of warning: In looking for the problems in any relationship we
are in, we always do well to point the finger back at ourselves. There is
no doubt that others cause some of the pain and failure of relationships in our
lives. But the reality is that we are probably adding to the problem or if we
are not, we probably could be doing some things better that would give us a
better chance of working it out, even if you find yourself in a relationship
with a "problem person." Sometimes, the most immature people can grow
when in the presence of an integrating relationship. So, in looking at some of
the dynamics of what the barriers are to good relationships, keep yourself in
mind. The more that you can take ownership of these tendencies in yourself, the
more likely you are to make relationships work and to pick people who are able
to make them work as well. Mature people tend to pick mature people. Now, join
me in a look at the things that poison love.
The Love Killers-Poisons To Avoid
Self-centeredness or Ego-centricity
Many people think of selfish people as being
difficult. But "self-centeredness" comes closer to the real
description of what a truly selfish person is. What it means is that someone
basically experiences life mostly in terms of him or herself. Someone has
said, "To interpret any event only in terms of how it affects oneself is
to live on the doorstep of Hell." And that is true.
When one is self-centered, he guarantees the
failure of love, for love is an attachment between two people, and the self-centered
person denies the reality of the "other." He only sees others as
extensions of himself. They exist to make him happy, serve his needs, regulate
his feelings or drives in life. And whey they fail to do that by having an
existence of their own, he has some sort of negative reaction, such as anger,
withdrawal of love, controlling behavior or rejection. This orientation to
another person being more of an object for self-gratification than a person
makes a true attachment impossible. Love requires two people, not one person
and an "object."
We could write about this dynamic for a long time,
but one quick way to understand it is to look at it in terms of the quote
above. "Only me" involves not ever adapting to someone else's wishes
or needs, or sacrificing something that I want for another person or a purpose
or group larger than myself. Or to think of the significance of events or
people only as I am benefited or denied.
Lack of Observing Oneself
The idea is this and is one of the most
frustrating qualities that anyone can have in a relationship: The inability to
see one's own behavior, especially when one is wrong. Have you ever had that
experience, to be in a relationship with someone who could not see when they
were wrong? There is such little hope to get past any conflict that you might
be having.
No relationship or person is perfect. And we can
work out any kind of conflict with anyone as long as the two people involved
are able and willing to look at their own behavior and own it. The act of ownership
of our wrongs makes moving past the conflict and getting to a deeper connection
possible, and when someone cannot see their wrong, the relationship gets stuck.
The injured party feels hopeless, and there is
little chance for comforting them by the one who hurt them, because no apology
is forthcoming. The conflict cannot be solved.
Inability to Validate Another's Experience
Being understood is one of our deepest needs. We
don't really need to know that we are "right," as much as we need to
know that someone understands how we feel and what our "reality" is.
Making this connection with each other is called "empathy." When we
feel a certain way, we need to know that others validate our experience,
meaning that they understand how it is for us.
We need to be listened to and understood, not
quickly negated for how we feel and what we think. Research has shown that some
of the most serious emotional disorders come from having ones emotions
misunderstood. For instance, how do you feel when someone says, "Oh, come
on, that didn't hurt!" or "Oh, that wasn't so bad." We
immediately go further away inside our hearts, and feel a breach with the
person. On the other hand, when someone says something that shows their
understanding, we are more open to input about our reality.
"Sounds like that was very difficult for
you," is an example of an empathic statement that draws people closer
together.
Understanding how someone feels or thinks, or how
an experience was for them is something that builds bonds and connections
between people. The inability to do that destroys connection and alienates the
parties.
Play Fair
This one sounds weird, for it seems that playing
fair would be a good thing. It means that we treat others as they treat
us. If they are kind, then we are kind. If they hurt us, then we hurt
them back. If they are immature, then we are immature as well.
It is easy for us to be good to those who
earn it. The problem is that no one earns it all the time, and every
relationship has problem behavior. This is why simple "fairness"
cannot work, for then the worst behavior in the relationship becomes the common
denominator.
To transcend a pattern in a relationship, we
cannot play fair and return evil for evil. The only way for any
relationship to overcome our imperfections is for the receiving party to be
"bigger than that," and return grace and truth instead of the injury.
Simple fairness will kill any relationship.
Emotional Detachment
"The lights are on but nobody is home."
To be emotionally detached is to be out of touch with one's feelings and unable
to be emotionally present in a relationship. It can be a killer to intimacy,
because it feels to the other party that they are alone, even though someone is
there.
When we are out of touch with our feelings and
cannot express them to one another, then intimacy is blocked, and our
experience is one of the person's heart being "far away."
To feel close, we need to be present emotionally.
Our needs, vulnerabilities, fears, pain, tender feelings, and the like must be
communicated and expressed. When someone is detached from feelings, and the
ability to express them, the other person cannot feel the kind of connection
that we think of as "intimacy," or "being known." Intimacy
involves the heart, as well as the mind. If someone is out of touch with
their deep feelings and innermost parts, then shallow relationships are what
follows.
Control and Denial of Separateness
The idea freedom is so important. But
the reality is that many people do not honor freedom in their relationships.
They do not see the other person as a free person from them, able to make their
own decisions and have their own desires. Instead, they see the other as an
extension of themselves, and have strong attempts to control the freedom of the
one they "love."
Love can only exist where there is freedom. Our
attempts to control what another person thinks, feels, wants, does, values,
believes, etc. are destined to drive them away, and ultimately destroy love.
Love only exists as we see another person in their own right as a separate
individual. When someone says "no," we are to respect it. When
they have choices and wishes that are different from ours, we are to respect
them as well.
Wish For Eden
There was a time when everything was perfect. It
was called paradise, and the Bible refers to it as the Garden of Eden. In that
place, everything was "good." But, as the rest of the Bible tells us,
and history confirms, Eden has been lost, and we live in an imperfect world.
What that translates to in the world of relationships is that we will always be
in relationships with people who have imperfections.
To the extent that someone has come to grip with
this reality, they have satisfactory relationships. They can accept others for
who they are and solve problems. But if they still have a wish to be in the
Garden where things are perfect, they are always frustrated with the people
they find themselves connected to. They always want more, they judge and
protest the reality of who the person is and there is very little safety for
love to grow.
Narcissism and perfectionism are killers to real
relationship. Real love can only grow where someone's "real self" can
be known and accepted by the other person. If there are demands for perfection
and the "ideal person," then love is blocked.
"I Know Better" and other "Parental Dynamics"
Adults who are in significant relationships are
meant to be equals and share the reality of who they are in a spirit of
mutuality. Some people, however, want not to be equals, but one-up on the other
person. They want to be in more of a parent-child type of connection where they
are in charge. They have expectations for the other to be in subjection to them
in some strange way, and are dominating in their style.
This type of "I know better" stance
blocks love in a horrible way, as the person who is "under" feels
belittled, controlled, dominated and disrespected. In the best scenario's, the
so-called "benevolent dictator," the one on the bottom rung fails to
grow up and develop into who they were meant to be.
Typical of this type of stance are a lot of
"you should's," that dominate the person's thinking, as they freely
tell the other person how to think, live, be and what to do. The biggest
problems to love in this type of connection come from the resentment in the
one-down person, and their drive to become independent from the dominating one.
We are to all be equals and put no one on a parental pedestal.
Lack of Boundaries
The last block to love that we will consider is
the lack of boundaries. What this means is someone's inability to take a stance
of self-control and to have a proper relation to the word "no."
Boundary problems are usually seen in someone's inability to either say
"no," or hear "no" from others. When we have these kinds of
disturbances, we either allow people to walk all over us in a way that destroys
respect, or we walk all over them and "trespass" against them,
destroying love in the process. True love respects each other's boundaries,
saying "no" when we need to, and respecting it when we hear it.
Another aspect of boundaries has to do with
requiring responsible behavior from each other in a relationship and taking a
stance against bad when it occurs. True love cannot grow when dysfunction and chaos is allowed
to triumph. When we have the boundaries to take a stance against it, we
preserve the good in a relationship and help it to grow by solving problems.
Summary
Love is not an easy thing to accomplish in this
life. In fact, it is so difficult because of our particular inclinations to do
the very things we just talked about. There is a part of all of us that tends
to try to please ourselves instead of accomplish love, and in the process we
lose the love that we wanted in the first place. Remember, love does not
"just happen." It takes work. And part of the work that you will have
to do is to avoid the kinds of barriers to love mentioned above.
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