Three Types of Reasons Why Many People Stay Single

By Guest Blogger:
Wisdom Mupudzi

Many people at the beginning of the year set new year resolutions and action plans, desires etc. One of those areas that is very important and topical is the area of relationships. Here are three types or classes of reasons why many people stay single, obviously these are outside people who have deliberately and intentionally chosen to be single for a reason, for a season, seasons or for any other reason.

Psychological

This has to do with what one believes. This can be about members of the opposite sex. These beliefs can come from many places including the media, past experiences etc. For example for someone who hangs a lot with female friends who have been hurt or been disappointed by men, words such as 'all men are dogs' etc can often be heard and become as normal for one's psyche. This can be a liability for any member of that 'clique', who desires to get a man. This can be ingrained in the subconscious without knowing through constant repetition. If you hear a lie too many times, you may end up mistaking it for the truth. The same applies for men who have a negative view of women and generally marriage. Surely a negative view of marriage will no doubt short circuit any relationship with a potential suitor, particularly if its something that he or she wants. So the remedy is that one has to identify those wrong mindsets or negative patterns or bluntly, lies. Some times if its a belief that is coming from a previous hurt or disappointment, the best thing will be to heal from that hurt and realise it was only an experience, it doesn’t necessarily mean that all men or women are like the previous culprit who created the disappointment, whether it was betrayal, cheating or whatever it was. This is ultimately a healing process that needs to take place for the person to let go such beliefs about members of the opposite sex.

Emotional

The 2nd type or class of reasons I want to look at, is the emotional type. This covers how the person feels about themselves, and also about relationships in general. I guess the biggest one is how the person feels about themselves. If someone has a low self esteem,  that can often manifest in the relationships that they allow or have. In most cases for a healthy relationship to fully survive this will require a good self esteem. In other words before we can look at how one feels about the other external parties or somebody else, they have to work out how they feel about themselves. In other words, how do you feel about you. Many people of course go through changes and seasons, however a good self esteem goes a long way in safeguarding relationships be they friendships or romantic ones. This also helps in setting healthy boundaries. One can then look at how one feels about relationships. For many people the subject of relationships triggers joy, excitement, happiness etc. At the same time, to others, it triggers pain, disappointment. This sometimes can signal underlying emotional healing that may need to take place in order for the person to proceed to attract, build and nurture a relationship for the long term. So its important to feel good about you.

Spiritual

The last reason is one of the most important but often less talked about. This can be a tricky subject or an area that many people may not be so ready to confront. Spiritual reasons usually explain wherever logic and natural laws can’t explain. In the area of relationships, the most common ones will be a case where the same things for e.g that may be a mother went through in her childhood, the daughter goes through. In same cases it’s the father, what the father went through, the son goes through. This is complex, as the child or son didn’t do anything to cause that. Sometimes maybe the father too, it wasn’t his fault. Its something that has been flowing down the generations. Sometimes spiritual reasons can come in the form of cycles, for instance many people have come to the place of giving up in the area of relationships because for some reason, each time just before getting married or just before a relationship fully blossoms, there is a glitch of some sort. In other words there is an event or something that occurs that short circuits the relationship. This can often be frustrating, to the point where some have totally given up. However, I believe there are ways and tools to break through. In the same way that doctors, look at a person's blood to determine a few things. The same thing can be applied to the things of the spirit. In the same way that doctors often say, its in your blood, referring to something that a child has, that maybe a mother or father suffered. In other words, its not the child's fault, its just the blood family that he was born into. Whilst there is no scientific way to determine the spiritually DNA, manifestation on the ground, trends and patterns, often leave clues. Sometimes this requires a prophetic eye, however in general, the trends and patterns are usually visible across the family tree. They can be recognised, identified, confronted and dislodged! This then unleashes the parties into freedom and a new life.

The examples given above are only a few in each of the classes or categories. The real work is when a person really examines themselves in terms of what is happening spiritually, emotional and may be their own beliefs about relationships or members of the opposite sex. It is through this journey that true transformation can occur and one can make a quantum leap towards their desires. You can only confront what you identify. Here is hoping that this 2014 will be a great for you across the board, especially in this area of relationships. Be encouraged and always remember you have an Uncommon Destiny!

Wisdom Mupudzi is an Award Winning Author, Infopreneur, and Spiritual Warfare Expert, he currently has 8 ebooks on the market.

For more on Relationships, check out Wisdom’s Award Winning Ebook, Uncommon Destiny Uncommon Partner. You can get your copy here: https://ganxy.com/i/75347/wisdom-mupudzi/uncommon-destiny-uncommon-partner-the-three-levels-of-prayer/uncommon-destiny-uncommon-partner

To discover the raging battle going in the area of Relationships you can check out: https://ganxy.com/i/89352

For Wisdom’s Official Amazon Page: http://www.amazon.com/WISDOM-MUPUDZI/e/B007OZPW4I/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0

Tags: destiny, relationships, purpose, looking for love, why am I still single, falling in love, finding the one

Magnesium For General Health

By our guest blogger:  Jason Brunson

So is your loved one stressed out? Are they quick to anger? If they are normally a calm and loving person, they may be low on  the super important mineral magnesium. Magnesium calms the cells and allows stress to fade away.

It seems that in today’s world we are bombarded with people screaming, “women need calcium”. There is so much fear of getting osteoporosis. People are taught that for strong teeth and bones, “You Need Calcium”. The truth be known, you need much more magnesium than calcium. Take for example the ratio of magnesium to calcium in the bones. There are two magnesium’s for every calcium. For strong bones, you need magnesium, calcium, phosphorus and boron.

Since magnesium is so important in the bones, where else is it found? Magnesium is found in every cell. It helps the cell to calm and rest. If it is a muscle cell, then it is also full of magnesium. When calcium rushes in it triggers a reaction in the cell that stimulates cellular activity. Therefore, if you are low in magnesium, the cell cannot return to a restful state, which then causes stress and fatigue to set in.

The heart is the biggest muscle. When heart attack patients are admitted to the emergency room, the first thing they get is intravenous magnesium in an IV. A heart attack can be caused by many things. The lack of enough magnesium can be one of the most important things to watch for.

So why is magnesium so important? Magnesium is required for the production and transfer of energy from protein synthesis for contractility of muscle and excitability of nerves, plus it is a co-factor in a myriad of enzyme systems. Most Americans don't get enough magnesium in their diet. Studies say the intake has been dropping steadily over the last 100 years. Coincidentally, or maybe not, blood pressure has been rising over the last 100 years.

Magnesium combats acids, toxins, gases and impurities, in addition to cooling the body. It benefits the brain through the neutralization of phosphoric by-products of heavy brain activity or over consumption of phosphorus foods. Humans must have the biochemical form of magnesium. Magnesium assists in the body's uptake of both potassium and calcium. A magnesium deficiency promotes deficiencies in calcium and potassium. Sixty percent of tissue magnesium is located in the skeleton. Most of the rest is found within the cells. Magnesium is required for the activation or structure of more enzymes than any other mineral. Many magnesium dependent enzymes cannot use any other mineral as a replacement for magnesium. So it is easy to understand why magnesium is so vital to our well being.

Where does magnesium come from? Magnesium is a mineral from the earth and is found in leafy green vegetables. So if you do not eat green vegetables, you have to have another source of magnesium.

Those who are magnesium deficient often run into a similar problem. By the time they get enough supplemental magnesium to solve their deficiency, they get diarrhea. This is because the form of magnesium they take must go through the digestive tract and is absorbed at the wrong time. This includes magnesium tablets, capsules and powdered magnesium.

Digestion is the process in which food is broken down to make the minerals available. So having a predigested, or bio-available mineral supplement will both help absorption of that mineral and in the case of magnesium, prevent diarrhea caused from absorption at the wrong time.

Many mineral supplements are in liquid form. These are absorbed at a much higher rate than tablets and capsules. Once in the category of liquid minerals, size is now an important factor. All minerals are on the periodic chart. The smallest form of a mineral is one atom. Thus, mono atomic (one atom) minerals are the smallest and most absorbable form of minerals. True chemistry tells us that there can never be a mineral smaller than one atom or it is no longer a mineral.

For the most health benefits and the most mineral absorbed for your money, choose mono atomic minerals in angstrom size. While they cost more up front, they are cheaper in the end because of absorption factors.

Author's Bio:

Jason Brunson is the owner of HealthShop101. Working in a vitamin and mineral packaging plant as a young man has helped him to realize the benefit of absorption and efficiency of absorption factors. HealthShop101 represents the nutritional supplements that he uses on his family so you know they have to be quality. He has spent the last 20 years gathering the nutritional supplements that make difference in his life and now they are available to you direct through HealthShop101. http://www.healthshop101.com

Feel your Feelings

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT, Licensed Relationship Psychologist

www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

www.relationshipsociety.com

310-560-0726

jwhitcomb@paznaz.org

I was emotionally shut down for years. Every woman I dated had to deal with my inability to identify a feeling. She would ask, “Hey is something bothering you?” I would reply, “No, I’m fine” with a hint of defensiveness.

The closest I ever came to identifying what was really going on was “I’m in a funk.” Many folks know this as feeling off somehow or my personal favorite, “I’m in a bad mood.”

Underneath such comments is an entire emotional landscape that remains largely unexplored. The metaphor I like to use is that of a lake.

When standing on the shore of a large lake, you can  see ripples, colors, and reflections. If it is windy or stormy out, the surface of the lake changes and makes it even harder to see beneath the surface. Not until the storm dies down can you begin to see more clearly. When things are still, the lakes surface mirrors it’s surroundings.

Venture beyond the shoreline and even more possibility opens up. The lake takes on a new perspective. Looking beyond the reflection it becomes three dimensional and you can see below the surface.

We are very similar. When we are upset, it is hard to see things clearly. The only way to see things clearly is to take some space from the upset, calm down and gain a new perspective. Why am I mentioning this metaphor?

Because feeling helps you see clearly. And seeing clearly helps you move more freely toward what you want in your life. And when you get what you want, you are more fulfilled.

But Why Is It So Hard For Dudes to Feel?

Contrary to some big generalizations out there men do in fact feel, but most men were trained as little boys by the “boy code” to not feel. They were trained and taught to suck it up not cry etc. For example, as a boy I was trained by my Dad and my culture to not feel. To feel meant I would be judged as a wimp, a girl or even gay. (As if girls or gay people are somehow bad?) So, men do feel, it’s just challenging for many men to know what they are feeling.

So, it’s understandable why many men don’t allow themselves to feel and can’t even identify a feeling. Many adult men are still very scared to feel their feelings because if they do, their fear is they will be judged as not manly, acting like a girl or being weak or gay.

So, most men never venture out beyond the shoreline and certainly don’t look below the surface. Therefore, many men remain locked up, shut down and not free.

The cost of not being willing to feel

1. relationship blues

Sadly, these old fears keep many men locked up around their feelings and lead to very frustrating relationships for women dating these men. Rather than dive in to the unknown waters of intimacy, men stay on the shore, where it is safe. But as any sailor will tell you, a ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are built for (a William Shedd quote).

Moreover, men who shut down or stuff their feelings remain emotionally constipated and have very little facility or freedom when it comes to intimacy. Then, they keep resisting actual help like couples counseling.

2. narrow bandwidth of expression.

If you never let yourself feel grief, anger, sadness and other “negative” emotions, you will have less access to the “positive” emotions such as joy, love, and happiness. The waters you are able to swim and navigate are more shallow. For example, if you avoid  “negative” emotions, you might experience some happiness but the depth with which you feel it is limited.

3. you are not free.

Staying on the shore, you never really get to test if your vessel is seaworthy. Freedom is the open water of who you are, not the shore.

4. physical problems.

Most body workers, massage therapists, and good body-centered, somatic therapists know that the body holds and stores trauma and unexpressed emotion. The more you hold, the more the body has to carry the burden. Your boat begins to decay having never touched water. Stoic men who never learn to feel, are simply in pain.

5. You are less available to give and receive love.

If you shut yourself off from your own emotions and never “set sail”, you’ll never know what it is like to swim or sail. The endless terrain that is available to you will remain a distant dream. If you want to feel more love, try feeling all your feelings. Try exploring what lies below the surface farther from the shore.

If you choose to feel, a huge reward awaits you

For the brave who do decide to face the unknown lake of discomfort and painful emotion, what you will experience may shock you.  Try it and see what happens. Let me know what you discover. To me it’s something like an elixir.

But Where Do I Start?

1. Get quiet: When you are upset or “in a funk” sit down or lie down and be still. You cannot see below the surface until you are still. Meditation is a tool that can help.

2. Get Curious: Start with the facts before you begin to interpret or try to figure it out. Target 3 main areas:

a. Thoughts–When did it start? Ask yourself when this feeling started? Was it the fight with your partner last week? Was it a call with your parents? An ex-lover? Did something piss you off at work? Where are your thoughts going and what are they like?

b. Emotions—What does it feel like? explore the feeling quality and the sensation that goes a long with it. Is it hot? cold? tight? humming? vibrating? tense? soft, achy? Does it have a color? a tone? Does it radiate? is it dense? thick?

c. Body sensations–Where in your body do you feel it? Is it in your throat? Gut? Chest? Where does it live?

3. Take responsibility for what you are feeling: Name it, begin to articulate it with a friend. For example, “wow, for the last few days I was locked up. Now I know that it started when ____happened. I have felt tense and irritated ever since. I feel shut down and I don’t want to be around anyone.”

4. Notice what your default behavior is when you feel this way. When you find yourself, “in a funk” do you numb out with TV? food? sugar? porn? masturbation? alcohol? drugs? Or do you isolate? Or both?

5. Choose to feel it until it changes. Have the balls to turn toward it. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen?

Want to feel more love and lightness in your life? Then start saying “yes” to feelings you have been saying “no” to.  Invite them in and get to know them. As John Wellwood says, befriend your emotions. See what happens and report back.

It is possible that when you venture out beyond the shores and swim farther out in the lake that you might experience more fear, but at the same time more freedom and aliveness.www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

Sex & The Single Parent

I am asked often how a single parent is expected to start over. Between the hurt, the anger, the financial stress and the usual conflict with the EX-how does one actually start over? I don’t know. I am fumbling along just like everyone else. What I do know is that I can speak for myself and share my thoughts on the topic. If it resonates with you then great, if not GREAT too! However, I don’t think anyone has a perfect answer. This is a tough topic because you have more then just you to consider.   

There are many thoughts that will run through your head at first. The main question is how ready are you to be with someone else? How willing and able are you to TRUST someone else? (Trust was just broken on SO many levels.) How ready are you to share your personal needs with someone else? Are you looking for just the physical pleasure or emotional connections? Both? Are you looking to fill something in your soul? Are you looking to avoid being alone? Are you aware of Diseases that are out there now, then and well….ewwwwww.  Once you determine what it is your actually trying to do and trust me you will go back and fourth with all kinds of “wants”. I hope that you become real clear and real honest as to what it is that you want for yourself in this time.

When you are first separated from your partner you will feel tremendous feelings. Joy. Sadness. Anger. Hate. Rage. Happiness. Whatever those feelings are they are not subtle. The first year or two of separation lends to all types of new thoughts and freedoms. I don’t think anyone in this case has a base line of emotions. We are just re learning what it means to be alone. To be ‘ourselves’.

   You are now ONE. No longer us or we.

Now, I, Me, Myself.

Whoa!

Stop and really think about this. For the first time in a long time you can order out if you want. You can call who you want, there is no pressure to brush your teeth or even get out of your pjs. You can be as lazy or as busy as you want. There is NO one to really answer to. (If you have kids, that’s a little different) If you want to take tap dancing because you have always wanted too but didn’t have support from your last partner, TAKE TAP dancing. Go for it! Why not? This is the time to re-invent yourself. To learn about who you are and what you want in this life. How do you want to write the next chapter in your personal book?  So, as far as I am concerned, DO it and Explore the possibility’s.

So, back to Sex. Stop blushing. We all want it. I am sure you are not a virgin. After all, if you are reading this you are probably already a parent and well you got there by the adult version of the “Hokey Pokey”. We all know  SEX—so I am not going to explain sex as most of you are well trained. However, what I want to have everyone thinking about is the emotions and needs of sex. Its important for you to know that just because your relationship changed and ended you did NOT end. Your sexuality is what it is. You have feelings, wants, desires and needs just like every other living creature on this planet. The cool part is you get to recreate what that looks like now. NOW, you get to re-explore your sexual nature. There are things that you might want to do that you couldn’t with your EX. Now, you can reinvent your desires on a whole new level. I think that this part is the most exhilarating because you will know more now then you ever did about what it is your are looking for in a partner and in yourself. You may explore as much or as little as you like. You are free to do as you choose. (I do advocate protection!) I do think that once you have a clear understanding of what you are looking for go find it. I personally believe that you do not die just because your relationship ended. I know far too many women who just give up.  They do not feel empowered to find other options, feel comfortable with alternative gratifications and find it very tedious to attempt weeding out the online profiles.

Get up!Get sexy and go on a date.

Clear your head of the negatives. I know that some feel too fat or too this or too that. Who cares. I mean really. If there are 7.4 Billion people on this planet, there has to be one who likes thicker thighs or doesn’t mind a little tummy. Really? You are NOT so hideous that a date is impossible. So CLEAR you mind of that stuff. We are relatively grown up and now we are super wise. So, go out. Look. Its all good and healthy. I can guarantee there is a mate out there looking for exactly what you have. Big, little, tall or short. There is a mate. The weeding process is the hardest. I find it exhausting to weed out those who I want to even consider kissing much less sleeping with. But I am picky. I have single friends who are not. They are not looking for something serious. So, they get a lot of “action”.

My point?

YES! , you CAN have sex as a single parent and YOU are a sexy beast!

BUT here is the Parent part. ( I know, Kill Joy right?  NAH!)

Do not allow these people into your child’s life willy-nilly. Be cautious and considerate of your child’s feelings as they are already struggling with loyalty issues and to see you with someone new, often and in a romantic way isn’t healthy. I know that makes this seem almost impossible but there are alternatives. I have ended dates because the expectation is that they can come over anytime. No, only the days I do not have my daughter. That’s how I roll. I don’t want her to see me in a romantic relationship until I know that it is long term and real. I also caution having strangers around your children in general, use common sense. I did find out that one person I was chatting with online was a convicted Pedophile. So, I caution you to use common sense. They are everywhere and risking your life or your child’s life is serious.

Ok rant over.

If you don’t know them well you may not know what the real intentions are and there are all types of people. Some are good and some are bad. Avoid involving your child with someone who you are not fully aware of. You are human, sexual and starting over. I get it. You have an itch to scratch and “man oh man” waking up to someone to cuddle with is PART of that itch (at least for me). I so get it. However, your children are first and being creative is important to balance your needs with the needs of your children. So, keep your personal time personal. Keep your parent time as a priority.

Find the balance to how you can enjoy being an adult and a parent. Your not dead, and hell your probably sexier then your were. So, enjoy the new you. Embrace it and love the fact that this is your second chance. (OMG! The new things to explore! ) Just shield the kids from it until you are in something Permanente and Serious.

Be creative. Remember the days when you use to make out in the car or fondle in the movie theatre? What about a midnight swim? There are ways to be creative, make sex a wonderful and HEALTHY part of your life and still be a solid pillar for your babies. 

Until Next Week……………

Rustie MacDonald

http://rustiemacdonald.com/about/

“Rustie MacDonald has patiently helped me to improve my understanding of social networking, and its use as a marketing tool. Through Rustie’s gentle encouragement, I have been able to move through my lack of self-confidence, begin to build an effective web presence, and improve my ability to grow my business. Her understanding of using social media for the development of small businesses, combined with her experience as a life coach makes her a wonderful guide! ”
- Leona Hosack, www.leonahosack.com/Silhouette

Tagged with: Author, Dating, Grief, Health, Inspiration, Motivational, Radio Host, Romance, Self Help, Sex, Single Parent, Spiritual, Women

Creating change...

If a couple wants to thrive and really deepen over the long haul, they must have two pieces in place: 

1) shared context and 
2) share language/tools. 

In other words, if one person is growing and the other isn’t, it’s not going to work. One will simply outgrow the other. One will feel judged while the other will feel unmet. Of course, if the couple wants to stay in this type of relationship, they could make it work if the growth-oriented person chooses to abandon themselves and collude with the less growth-oriented person’s fear. “I love you so much, I will stop growing for you.” This “agree to disagree” approach is complacency rooted in fear for both parties. If they do try to make it work, it leads to endless frustration and struggle or, an overall giving up, settling, and checking out. I see it often. And, there’s another way. Believe it or not, I can have what I want relationally. It’s true. And it requires that I love myself much deeper than I thought was possible and that I heal my own past that is showing up in the present. If we commit to this, the game of getting the other person to love us the just right way, ends.

You may unknowingly resist feeling happy...

You may unknowingly resist feeling happy, which is the key to allowing what you desire to unfold in your life, because growing up you looked around and noticed a lot of crap going on--violence in war, ignorance, hunger when there's more than enough, perhaps mistreatment onto you.... and those who smiled through it seemed dangerously passive and apathetic. It's important to face this if you feel it may relate to you or there will continue to be a tremendous level of resistance within you as you set out to create the life you desire for yourself and others.

Zero Sum Game

If a couple wants to unlock their relationship potential, and really deepen over time, they need to clear the decks and get to zero. Zero means nothing is under the rug, no more hiding, and all resentments and withholds are aired and cleared. Otherwise, they spend time getting tripped up by all the baggage that never got finished. Once a couple can burn it all to the ground and get to zero, they can actually see each other. Oh, there you are! Here I am! Wow! But in order to do this, there has to be inspiration, hunger, longing, desire. Or maybe loads of pain?

In trying to make a big shift though, we might find that our early attachment wounds and relationship hurts keep us in a state of ambivalence, fear, or lack of desire. So, we stay stuck, complacently sweeping our pain under the rug. Or we might think we can’t get to a zero. We might think we don’t deserve it. We believe lies about our worth and lovability and we fail to see how beautiful we are so we “settle.” We might have no idea about what’s possible. Or we stay in our habitual fog and call it a zero. Patterns and justifications arise, no doubt. We all find ways, both conscious and unconscious to avoid loving ourselves and each other. It seems to be human nature. And to me, this is the exciting frontier of long-term partnership—where we can see it as a path, a journey, a wild ride back home to who we really are.

Yes, it can be a long, winding road with many twists and turns. Sometimes it’s a circus and sometimes a ghost town. And, the only dead-ends ironically, are inside of me and where I’m blocked.

But love appears to be limitless. And some of us, like me, are neophytes on the path. Getting to zero might take us an entire lifetime or a few weeks or years. But what else is there? Why not explore my barriers to love and greater intimacy? Why not explore all of my heart and come to know its vulnerable landscape, no matter how long it takes me? And, if we choose to go for zero, let’s embrace the waves that take us there.

I’m up for the ride. I’m down. I’m in.

See you here!  Joe 

Relational Victimhood

Relational Victimhood 

“It’s your fault. You hurt me. You did this to me. I hate it when you… If you just….”

This is the message of the victim. It’s also an unchecked habit about how many of us relate to others. While very popular, it is very limited.

Hollywood, romance novels, and cheesy movies like Jerry McGuire perpetuate our magical thinking about relationship, as it did mine for over a decade (I was that guy who kept looking for the one to complete me, which caused me and the women I dated a lot of unnecessary suffering).

If our view (context) is that relationships are supposed to always be a safe haven, a place where we are fully met by our partner, or a “feel good” love fest where someone “completes me,” then the practice will be directed at trying to achieve this ideal. This view is a recipe for failure and disappointment, but most folks go along with it and keeps all parties involved stuck in immature love.

If, on the other hand, our view is that relationship is an ongoing practice rather than a static destination, then we can create practices that support this more realistic view. Our expectations and results will then be very different. We also start to see “practice” as a place other than the cushion or yoga mat. We see it all around us each and everyday.

If your claim is that you want to change your relationship life, you must be honest about where you are being a victim and wanting a rescue-job. It’s understandable where you got this message. The media and our culture inundate us with nonsense about how relationships are supposed to be. Many of us still think that when we find the one all will be well and they will complete us. Or maybe some of us think a “conscious” relationship means that we somehow transcend our issues, triggers, and neurosis.

When you don’t want to do the real work of relationship, you end up settling on these outdated views given to you by your parents, culture, traditions or teachers, thus perpetually avoiding the mountain of trauma, loss, hurt, anger, neglect, abandonment, rejection, that is living inside of you, which comes up very naturally in relationship.

This outdated view is keeping you perpetually young and unsatisfied. It keeps you trapped in the belief that you are supposed to always be happy in relationship or that the “right” relationship or “unrealistic” relationship will make you happy. Then we get upset when it never happens. We might even compare ourselves to others who make it look like this is happening (even though it rarely is) and we feel like crap. These are more reasons to be hard on ourselves. And, if we have a tendency to project perfection onto our teachers, we also remain susceptible to projecting “relationship perfection” onto our lovers and friends while remaining a hurt child inside.

Yikes.

The way out of this magical thinking?

Relational warriorship

We can learn to be adults devoted and committed to learning about “mature love.” We can heal through our relational hurts and pains and grow ourselves up on a daily basis.

We can turn this whole ship around people.

Choose.

Joe

Joe Whitcomb's Relationship Society - Health is Social

About The Relationship Society
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

Connection is why we are here, life is about relationships,  it is what gives purpose and meaning. Health is social.

Over the last 12 years I have been researching a cultural phenomenon which Social Psychologists have been observing for the last 100 years that there is a significant loss in our communities of what they term “Social Capital”. Today, people are more isolated, alienated and disconnected then ever before in history. The fallout of human connection and the sundering of modernity in our society continues to impact the way people relate and connect with each other. In a book by Robert Putnam, Bowling Alone, he describes this sundering and tearing apart of relationships as a major disconnection from ourselves and others leading to greater divorce, depression, anxiety and suicide, etc. Even technology has impinged on our ability to connect. In a sense we are more globally connected by technology but even more alone. People are cynical, resigned, and no longer trust in the institutions of church, synagogues, ministers, clergy, etc as a way people find spiritual and relational healing. Recent research indicate that people no longer feel safe within these communities or sense of connection and belonging of a “tribe”. The power message and felt experience that is projected is if you believe like me/us and you behave like me/us, you belong. If you don’t believe like me/us and you don’t behave like me/us you don’t belong. Our relationships should always communicate a sense of belonging first.

In 2001, just prior to 9/11, I had attended a week long conference hosted by the American Psychological Association entitled, “Reconciliation: Healing Fractured Relationships”. This week long conference touched, moved and inspired me to create The Relationship Society and to generate programs designed to focus on creating a “safety net” concept for individuals, couples and marriages within our community. The “big idea” is to reach out to touch, heal and bridge the gap of what I experienced first hand as a huge chasm “within and between” people. Throughout the duration of the conference, psychologists, bishops and ministers from South Africa presented and talked about the state of the nation and the environmental conditions necessary to generate safety, emotional honesty, integrity and forgiveness. Each side of the “great divide” had to learn and discover how to give and receive to continue to heal the community, a nation dismantled from the sundering of Apartheid. A conversation between a “white” psychologist and a “black” Bishop had posed the question of what it was going to take to heal a nation? His response was, “We have to give up self-preservation and our right to hurt back.” This higher purpose for reconciliation and healing fractured relationships, creating deeper, meaningful connections, and building collective mindshare between various thought leaders in our communities committed to transforming and healing society as a collective has been the impetus and and passion of The Relationship Society’s vision, mission, and purpose.

The Relationship Society was created to connect people to community, to create a “safety net” for people to feel safe, to heal, connect and act, move and live more freely, more authentically, more powerfully, more fully self-expressed. The Relationship Society is a collective of best practices within our community of partnerships and affiliates to heal the fracture of relationships and generate wholeness, well-being and hold out hope for a new realm of possibilities for a brave new world.

Our Philosophy and Our Relationship with Society:

Our relationships with ourselves and with society are aspects of the same relationship, and they unfold simultaneously. As we travel the road of self-knowledge, discovering our identity, we also become conscious of the greater human society. We come to know that our relationship with society is to assume the responsibility we necessarily have because we participate in it.

Our relationship with society develops in stages that correspond to our degree of consciousness. It could be said that as long as we are enclosed within ourselves, we expect everything from society. Later, when we understand that our life is inseparable from humanity, we discover how to relate through participation. We then feel a responsibility to offer the best of ourselves for the good of all human beings.

As long as we pay attention only to our personal world and private interests, we have a vague and superficial idea of our relationship with society: we follow social norms only because we fear reprisal; we obey the law because it is the law. We live for ourselves, separating our lives and interests from those of the greater human society. In such a self-centered relationship, we establish alliances based on our own best interest. We turn to society only when we need it, and we take as much as we can from it. When society protects us, we call it “our” society.
Nevertheless, even though we call it “our” society, we don’t really live in it. We prefer the comfortable little nest we have made for ourselves of our daily relationships. This is what we look to for warmth and reassurance, and this is what we really identify with.

But once we understand that living is an art that we need to cultivate, we develop an interest in knowing society and making it better. Yet, as we still tend to project our selfish interests over everything, we see only selfish interests in society, and we struggle to change at that level.

This is the stage of ambivalence; we define society as “our” society or “that” society according to the ups and downs of our circumstances, needs and states of mind. When society is “our” society, we identify with it and defend it. When we want “another” society, we attack it and rebel. We alternately defend, attack or ignore society, as if it were something outside of ourselves.

Society can neither be defended nor attacked. It is neither “our” society nor “that” society. Society simply reflects the process of human relationships; to attack or defend this process is to attack or defend ourselves. Such an attitude does not produce good results—it is based on ignorance that neither improves relationships nor makes us conscious of our attitudes.

Ignorance in our relationship with society leads to more problems than those that already exist and adds more sorrow to the tragedies that each of us endures.

It is not enough to say that we want a just society, without evil, without suffering. We can only build a better society by working on ourselves, making a concrete effort that results in good works.

We create a more harmonious society through our own transformation, because the more advanced we are in our unfolding, the more we know ourselves. We are more conscious and simpler in our relationship with society and better able to work for it.

Relationship through participation expresses the awareness that we are united with the greater human society and implies a constructive attitude toward our own transformation and toward active work for the good of society.

There are three basic aspects of relationship through participation:

To abandon the illusion that we live a separate, personal life

To experience first in ourselves the good we wish for humanity

To accept and alleviate human suffering, creating constructive avenues of love and knowledge.


If we honestly want a better society, we realize that our lives really don’t belong to us, that a life is something that must be offered to all of humanity. 

We begin to concretize this offering of life by reserving our energy. By not dispersing our strength in satisfying personal appetites, we turn that energy into the good work and helpful ideas which are needed at each moment.

Let us remember for a moment the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. Although he and his wife each were well educated and could have lived comfortable lives in the relatively racially tolerant northern United States of the 1950s, they chose to live in the South. They knew they had to live, work and participate in the racial prejudice of segregation. Martin Luther King believed that he had to offer his life, his time and energy, to work for racial justice for blacks and, as his social vision expanded, for all oppressed people.

When human beings no longer have “their” lives, “their” objectives, “their” energy for using, they do not separate their sorrow from the sorrow of others, their possibilities from those of others, their vicissitudes from the changes that all human beings experience. They live what all human society lives, with all its contingencies.

When we desire to create a more harmonious society, we don’t criticize, complain, escape, or look for privileges. We fulfill whatever is necessary, and when we discover something selfish in ourselves, we make the effort to transcend it. Therefore, we work to overcome in ourselves the separativity, indifference and selfishness that we see outside. This interior work inevitably expands to our surroundings and produces a chain reaction of good thoughts and good work.

We work for the good of society by transforming ourselves into beneficial cells that work quietly and persistently within the greater social body.

A constructive attitude toward society leads us to work in a productive and efficient manner.

Today there are large numbers of people who do not have even the basics for living, much less for unfolding their spiritual possibilities. How can we help them? By working efficiently: doing our own particular job very well, producing what society needs and consuming only what we really need. We learn not to waste: neither resources nor time nor energy. We work with attention, producing what is needed in the shortest time possible. We use the indispensable, and we do not accumulate excessive profits.

As we work on building our relationship with society, we will find ourselves having to face what we all come up against at some point in our lives: the dark side of human behavior. In society we see many manifestations of the negative side of human nature. Our instinctive reaction before the evil that others do is to want to defend ourselves, to attack, to try to eliminate the problem. But when we look at history we see that neither war nor suppression nor punishments have rid society of its evils. The only way to change society is to exchange what is counterproductive with something better, through understanding what has happened, through education and effort.

A constructive attitude toward society leads to the desire to learn and teach others. A good teacher first gets a good education. Then, as he teaches, he learns to adapt to his pupils, having special patience with those who have or create difficulties. The real teacher wants to educate all his students, even the ones with troubles. Likewise, we can create a constructive relationship with society by first changing ourselves, then working to help society, transforming its problems into opportunities, and building a better world for all.

We remember that education is not the same as indoctrination. To educate is to stimulate the process of developing consciousness. It is to teach to think, to discern, to choose; it is to reveal what ignorance has obscured. Our society is made up of human beings in the process of unfolding; the problems we have simply show us the deficiencies that we must correct, and this promotes the development of consciousness. That is to say, this is how we learn to relate with each other. When the social body is cured, there are no longer any symptoms.

The men and women who renounce to a personal life transform society by who they are, by their presence. They have no expectations from society; on the contrary, they feel indebted to humanity and offer their lives through interior and exterior work. They teach not only from pulpits and lecture halls; they teach with their very lives, fulfilling in themselves the ideal they wish to transmit.

Human beings who participate interiorly deepen their relationship with society through their reserve of energy, through work on themselves and in their active collaboration in good works for the welfare of humanity. In this way they embody the ideal of spiritual realization and put it within the reach of all human beings.

Get a 3,000 mile Oil Change for Your Marriage

Get a 3,000 mile Oil Change for Your Marriage
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT, CEO, The Relationship Society
Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and Educator
www.relationshipsociety.com


Preventative maintenance is always less expensive.

We know it is required with cars, so why don’t we do it for our relationships?

All relationships require effort. I’m reluctant to call it “work” because at the heart of the matter (pun intended) the effort and energy expended to grow and enjoy a relationship should be framed as “fun” not “work.”

The word work is often associated with pain, monotony and exhaustive effort.

Fun, on the other hand, is associated with energy. However, the difference is in the framing of that effort. When we play “hard” we enjoy that play.

No matter how much we were “in love” when we met, couples, like our cars, required tune ups and oil changes.

Here are 5 tips to not only prevent your marriage from going stale, but to fan the flames of love and romance so you can enjoy the ride with passion…once again.

1. Actively listen. Instead of reacting emotionally to a disagreement, put your feelings aside 100%. Take your spouse’s place (physically if necessary) and view the issue from their perspective. Don’t respond to their side of the argument…let them explain it and ask them to expand it.

2. Affirm their feelings. Even if you disagree with their statement, acknowlege their feelings. Just because you understand someone, doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Accept their feelings and you’ll be lowering the spiral down effects of judgement.

3. Compartmentalize emotions from behaviors. Quite often, people discuss (or argue) about a topic that isn’t even the root issue. The high level emotion of conflict is fuel enough to build resentment, angst and frustration. When you compartmentalize the emotions and discuss the core issue from a detached persepective, you will both be clear.

4. Have a goal. When people disagree on any topic, the traditional goal is to sway a person’s opinion from their side to yours. Arguing never achieves this goal. “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” is a powerful and true statement. A better goal would be to learn how you can collaborate (not acquiesce) with your spouse on the root issue.

5. Disconnect. Disconnection is not the same as compartmentalizing. When you compartmentalize, you acknowledge anger. You simply separate it from the core issue. Disconnection is actually not getting angry at all. Many Eastern religions talk about “attachment being the key to suffering.” The more we detach from a thing, the less power it holds over us. We can still love, openly, honestly and fully, but when we disconnect from a specific outcome, we are more relaxed and thus, better prepared to heal, grow and evolve.

In addition to using these four steps, be mindful of your personal energy and emotions. If you can’t calm down before discussing the issue without judgement, take a break and come back after you know you won’t say anything you’ll regret.

With patience and proactive communication, you’ll not only be able to discuss things more easily, you’ll end up preventing future conflicts.
Just as you car needs an oil change every 3,000 miles, your relationship won’t just run out of gas, but without consistent check ups and maintenance, it can die.

Human Journey

If our claim is that we are about being totally, authentically who we are, then we need to see all the places, and ways in which, we are afraid to live it. If we examine ourselves closely most of us are not living very authentically. We are living someone else’s dream in someone else’s value stream. And, if we take a deeper peek behind our mask, it turns out that we care about all kinds of things. We care about other’s opinions of us, we worry about how they might react to us, we compare ourselves. We put ourselves up and others down or them down and us up. We are afraid to feel the stuff we’d have to feel by being our genuine Self.

Why do a lot of us behave this way? Perhaps because we want acceptance. Maybe because it hurts to feel judged. Maybe it’s a higher priority to beat ourselves up in hiding than be a loving mess out in the open. But the big reason we dare not be who we really are is that as children we traded our authenticity in exchange for relationship. As kids we were not fully embraced for who we were, and since connection is food and we needed it, we abandoned ourselves and created strategies to belong in the family. These are the roots of co-dependency and if you are not aware of this, you’ll unconsciously keep rocking that smart strategy that worked for you as a child and be less fulfilled in your relationships as a result. Good to recognize and see what we are up against if we truly want to be a self-governed soul on this human journey.

Power and Love

Power and Love 

 

“There’s a widely held belief that to be loved you have to abandon power, and vice versa,” says Adam Kahane, author of Power and Love. “Then you choose a partner who provides the missing function.”

In fact, when expressed separately, love and power degenerate, he argues. Lack of love turns power into unconstrained self-interest; lack of power makes love sentimental and romantic, demanding fusion and loss of selfhood. A healthy relationship is both two and one at the same time—love enables individual partners to become their full selves. And such growth provides them with the strength to maintain their oneness. Power, he explains, isn’t dominion over others but the drive of every living thing to realize itself. “Nothing in the world would happen without power; it’s the life force. Love enables power.”

The Elements of Equality

Attention. Both partners are emotionally attuned to and supportive of each other. They listen to each other. And both feel invested in the relationship, responsible for attending to and maintaining the relationship itself.

Influence. Partners are responsive to each other’s needs and each other’s bids for attention, conversation, and connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.

Accommodation. Although life may present short periods when one partner’s needs take precedence, it occurs by mutual agreement; over the long haul, both partners influence the relationship and make decisions jointly.

Respect. Each partner has positive regard for the humanity of the other and sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness in a considerate and collaborative relationship.

Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.

Status. Both partners enjoy the same freedom to directly define and assert what is important and to put forth what is the agenda of the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and express their needs and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.

Vulnerability. Each partner is willing to admit weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.

Fairness. In perception—determined by flexibility and responsiveness—and behavior, both partners feel that chores and responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective well-being.

Repair. Conflicts may occur and negativity may escalate quickly, but partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate such discussions and calm each other down by taking time-outs and apologizing for harshness. They follow up by replacing defensiveness with listening to the other’s position.

Well-being. Both partners foster the well-being of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.

Light up your world and your relationship with these key balancing principles on power and love. 

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
www.relationshipsociety.com
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety
310-560-0726