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One of the most difficult decisions you’ll make post-affair—beyond
whether or not to save your marriage—is
whether or not to forgive your spouse.
The choice is yours, and there’s no right or
wrong. You’ll either want to grant forgiveness, or it
will be something you can’t abide the thought of doing.
In this blog, we’ll look at three barriers to forgiveness, if you
find yourself stuck. Read on…
Forgive or Not Forgive: What is the Cost to
You?
Forgiveness is more
about you as the victim than it is about the cheater. While it may make the
cheater feel better to know that ‘all is forgiven,’ this does not mean that you
will feel better.
After you’ve learned that your spouse cheated,
you will have a range of negative thoughts, volatile emotions and a
string of haunting images with
which to deal. The very thought of forgiving the person who perpetrated this
sort of pain on you is probably enough to make you feel indignant, insulted and
more than just a little queasy.
It is said “it is human to err, but forgiveness
is divine.” You can look at that one of two ways:
1- You need
to be a divine being to even consider such a thing, or
2- You will feel
divine once you have granted forgiveness.
There are also two ways of looking at forgiveness
in terms of what it means to you. If you refuse to ever forgive your spouse,
you may be signing on for long-term anger, resentment and bitterness. However,
if you offer forgiveness, you may find yourself at peace with the world—and
your spouse.
Either way, your spouse doesn’t receive a free
pass for cheating. It’s not a matter of you saying “Hey, what you did was fine.
Please feel free to shred my heart again in the future.” What forgiveness can
signify is your readiness to move into the future and not become caught
permanently in this dark spot of the past.
There is another option, which may be the best
option for you, especially after I tell you about the barriers to forgiveness
in a moment.
What about considering acceptance? This simply
means that you find a different kind of peace: you accept the circumstances for
what they are—a bad turn in life, but one that has happened and cannot be
erased, it simply is.
Acceptance may be the only option you will have,
simply because there are barriers in place. Maybe not all three that we are
about to look at, but if even one barrier remains, then consider acceptance as
a gift to yourself. It’s another means of finding peace and letting go of any
anger or bitterness you may be harboring, which only serves to sicken you.
The 3 Barriers to Forgiveness
In a marriage, you’re emotionally involved, which
is why you are capable of experiencing such pain. If your spouse was some
random person that you don’t know, the fact of his or her affair would have
absolutely no impact on you from an emotional level.
Most people have a tendency to have an
intellectual reaction to hearing about someone’s affair, but it
doesn’t hit the heart the way having your spouse do it to you can.
Here are 3 barriers to forgiveness you may
experience:
Barrier 1: You’re Not Ready
Before you can decide whether you should forgive,
or simply accept the affair, there is a progression of healing you need to go
through. Remember those volatile emotions and negative thoughts I mentioned
earlier? These must be dealt with first and foremost before you can even
consider moving forward, whether it’s to consider forgiveness or if you should
stay in your marriage.
Your initial healing phase begins with taking
care of yourself and working through the enormous amount of pain you are
experiencing.
Barrier 2: Lack of Cheater Remorse
It’s difficult to forgive someone who shows
absolutely no remorse. There are some cheaters who seem incapable of
understanding the pain they’ve caused their spouses, and refuse to take
responsibility for their actions. Or, your spouse may not have fully broken off
the relationship with the paramour.
This is a barrier to forgiveness. You may decide
to grant it, but not through any good faith actions on the part of your spouse.
Barrier 3: The Cheater has Not Apologized
A heartfelt apology is usually the prerequisite
to forgiveness. The person who has caused injury may say, “I am truly sorry for
the pain I have caused you. Can you ever forgive me?”
The victim is much more inclined to give
consideration to forgiveness when the cheater comes to them with a heartfelt
plea such as that. And, piggybacking on barrier 2—when the cheater truly shows
remorse and is doing everything they can to show that they’ve changed their
cheating behavior.
Now, it’s your turn:
Are you experiencing any of these barriers to
forgiveness?
Do you feel you’ll ever be able to offer
forgiveness to your spouse?
What do you think about acceptance, which isn’t
contingent upon your spouse’s level of remorse?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences
on this topic with other members of the community.
Remember….You are so much stronger than you
think!
Savannah Ellis
Founder, The Infidelity Recovery Institute
"Here Are 3 Things You NEED to do RIGHT NOW to begin to
Forgive and Stop a Divorce..."
How to Survive an Affair: A
Step-by-Step System for Saving Your Relationship after It’s Been Shattered by
an Affair
My complete 30-year comprehensive step-by-step
system, designed to help you work through the healing and restoration of your
relationship after an affair.
Phase I: Individual Healing –
Understanding Personal Feelings and Sorting through Emotions
- Take control of
the paralyzing emotions.
- Regain your
sense of stability and get rid of the images.
- Eliminate the
paranoia and restore your self-confidence.
- Cut-off the
affair and move back to your spouse.
- Replace the lies
with truth and start over.
- Understand why
the affair happened.
- Uncover what was
missing and how to add it.
Phase II: Healing As a Couple –
Working Together to Identify and Resolve Key Issues
- Accelerate the
healing process: Protect your relationship from further harm.
- Discover how to
talk about the details.
- Transform your
relationship with a heart-felt apology.
- Generate new
honest communication.
- Ignite a renewed
life-long commitment.
- Capture peace of
mind with true forgiveness.
Phase III: Negotiating a Renewed
Relationship – Understanding How to Rebuild and Sustain a New Trust-filled
Partnership
- Eliminate the
suspicion with complete transparency.
- Restore your sex
life without haunting visions.
- Affair-proof
your marriage for life.
- Develop lasting
safety, honesty and intimacy.
- Accept the past
without being tormented
13 Responses to “The 3 Barriers to Forgiveness”
- Dwayne
says:
It’s been25 years since my wife
had an affair. Hurt like nothing I’d experienced before then or now. We were
extremely young, highschool sweethearts. I’ve had all those feelings people
write about. I know i I have a harder time forgetting than forgiving. My wife
is a great wife and mother, I just struggle. I have several businesses and have
always been in control of situations and employees, I think more than anything
my ego has been smashed by the affair. Would love nothing more in this world
than to be able to forget.
- Caldwell
says:
MGTOW-man in reply to Suzanne
McCarley
- Maria
says:
August 15, 2013 at 4:43 pm
They say that the best revenge
is to be HAPPY!!!
- Maria
says:
August 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm
When I found out that one of our
closest friend was helping my ex set up hidden phone line so he could
communicate with the other woman it was very hurtful, but I’m glad I found out,
now I surround myself with people with better moral character, positive people,
and that is life ” like a box of chocolates …..” So get rid toxic people like that
and always remember we are all humans, we all make mistakes and at the end you
have to take care of yourself, sometimes when you feel the pain remember you
have the power to set up boundaries and don’t allow them to hurt you anymore, I
learned to always see things from different perspectives I do not want to be
remember like the bitter old ex- wife.
- Melissa
says:
I know people say forgiveness
isn’t letting them off the hook, it is supposed to make you feel better not
them. I don’t agree. The people clamouring to make you feel guilty for not
forgiving are those who want to be off the hook, or those who want to reserve
the right to act the same way and say it isn’t that bad.
I reached out to forgive the
people who sided with the affair. I figured they had no clue the hurt they
caused. What did I get for it? Told I was the bad guy or he wouldn’t have
cheated.
I didn’t feel better, I felt
cheated out of my right to be permanently disgusted with them. Hatred takes
energy but disgust is just- meh. That’s what cheaters and their supporters
deserve, not forgiveness. And giving more than they deserve just makes me
angry. So I settled for disgust.
- ray larder
says:
August 15, 2013 at 1:04 am
I’ll stick with the anger,
resentment and bitterness, it’s been 43yrs since her 5yr affair, if SHE doesn’t
like living like this then get the Divorce you owe me.
SHE knew where the Doors were.
- Maria
says:
August 14, 2013 at 9:25 pm
To Maggie and all: Discovered
affair 26 years into marriage, separated first, now divorced. Husband has never
apologized we remain in good terms, I realized that I needed to let go, for me
you do it for yourself, when you let them know how much they hurt you without
the blame, sooner or later it clicks and maybe they can not expressed remorse sometimes
they don’t know how, the amazing thing is that after I let go good things
started happening to me at work, better relatioships with our daughter, felt
like a huge weigh was off me, and I started seeing myself not like the poor
victim, but as someone kind, mature, and capable of taking care of myself, it
is a process give it time, intime you’ll be able to understand him,
yourself,your marriage and why it happened better.
- Julie
says:
August 14, 2013 at 2:41 pm
Happy Birthday Shattered!!!
Forget the idiot and have a
blast!!!
I didn’t forget your birthday. I
hope you are doing better and I am thinking of you. Big hugs for you, on your
special day 
- NaNa
says:
August 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm
My spouse cheated our entire
marriage. I just didn’t know it. Only 3 years ago when the cheating became a
full affair with no control I knew.
Like so many others it destroyed
me. I am a strong woman, but it broke me. I knew I couldn’t remain with him. I
told him that. In every other regard he is a great guy, which made it extra
hard to reconcile what he did and learning more each conversation and who is he
when he isn’t doing that.
The first year was just trying
to put it together and reconcile. The 2nd year was acceptance. Like CP said, I
would get SO VERY ANGRY when people told me to get over it, or forgive. How in
the world could I forgive the pain that I had never felt so deep in my soul?
Then this year I decided it was time for my own sake. I don’t know which of the
self help emails I read, maybe Oprah’s, that said to forgive, another or
yourself, Inhale while saying ‘I forgive you’, and exhale and say ‘I release
you’. I put that on my mirror and did it every day while getting ready. I’ll be
darned. A sense of peace overcame me. Don’t get me wrong, on the anniversary
months, (July and August) I still had breakdowns, but I don’t blame, shame or
accuse anymore. I am lucky in that he has aplogized and means it. He wants us
to reconcile. There is no possible way I could ever trust him. But, I forgive
him and still lean on him when I need it.
Karen- believe in yourself. Walk
away. You do not deserve to be treated like that. If he doesn’t hold you in the
highest regard then you do not need to be with him. You are special and
deserving of all of his love. No one should ever spit on you or threaten you.
When he does that look at him like a spoiled child that just got caught and you
will see through the anger at the fear of really being caught and not being
able to do it anymore or having to deal with the shitty thing he did/does. My
ex told me walking was the best thing I ever did for him. Maybe you will have
that luck. If not, you have you. that is all you need.
- Maggie
says:
Karen,
I feel that I can relate to your situation. After learning of the affair 18
months ago, “working on the marriage”, trying to forgive, I discovered two
weeks ago my cs was still in contact with the ow. He too says they are just
friends now….sure.
I tried very hard after two other times finding him with her to keep my family
together, but the only solution is to end my 26 year marriage. I will never
trust him again. I have as well as our children have no respect for this person
who has become someone different. I really resisted this option of divorce the
entire time, but he won’t give her up, shows no true remorse and has broken
everything I thought meant something.
I prayed for the ability to forgive and at times thought I was getting closer,
but now realize this is an “emotion” that I will continue to work on for the
benefit it will give me. I am, however, done with allowing this behavior to
continue in my life. I miss the man I knew, we have been together over 30
years, but I have to move on with my life.
As this article states, forgiveness is a process. It is one that requires the
participation of both parties. If he isn’t doing his part the forgiveness will
never be accomplished. Be strong in integrity, no compromise. Best wishes.
- Karen
says:
Forgiveness would be easier to
attain if my cs showed any remorse or truly apologized for his behavior after
his SECOND affair with the same coworker in the past 18 years . His view seems
to be for me to just
“Get over it”, forget all that has happened, and move forward in our marriage.
I have known of his second emotional affair for 8 months now, and all I ever
get from trying to discuss it is verbal and emotional abuse with a heavy dose
of intimidation such as fists raised, screaming in my face nose to nose,
actually being purposely spit on, called horrible names like “whore” (I have
never once been unfaithful during our 35 year marriage so that one REALLY hurt)
and “stupid bitch”…..I could go on but you get the picture. He never hurts me
physically, no blood, no bruises, just acts like he is going to. He just
doesn’t want to talk about it And only admits to “talking and texting too
much”. I have 53 pages of phone records that show the talking texting have
happened outside of work hours, at very late hours ( 2:00 am – 5:18 am) on one
occasion and one month even had 91 texts and 41 calls…. On almost all months, her
number was the most called number (Verizon can show you that ) or was right
below the number of calls placed to me. And he says they are just “close
friends”. They went on a date a year ago, but he lied and told me it was a work
group event. I found pictures of only her on his cell phone, no group pics from
the event and he couldn’t name anybody in the ” group”. When I called the
establishment, only 2 seats had been reserved in her name.
I could continue with more examples but doesn’t matter….I just don’t know how
to forgive this. It’s the second time with the same woman, he is not remorseful
and seems to care less how this has affected me both emotionally or physically(
I’ve dropped 10
Sizes and my blood pressure has soared as well as not sleeping) I actually am
almost to acceptance but the anger and vengeance inside me will not let me
forgive and I know I need to for my own health and sanity. Help!!!!
- CP
says:
It is also interesting, perhaps,
to note that when the mere term ‘forgiveness’ was first mentioned to me (like
when I read blogs similar to this or in therapy or even when my husband
outright asked for forgiveness), I got ANGRY. Not just a little angry, but
REALLY ANGRY. How DARE they tell me that I need to FORGIVE something like
that!!! HOW DARE my husband think he can ‘shred my heart’ and not feel his
heart shredded too!!! How DARE he think he can just ask for forgiveness and not
face consequences for his actions!!!!!!!! Oh, I was extremely ANGRY (and I
*still* feel some of those feelings on occasion). In fact, I wanted to SCREAM
at anyone who even hinted that I need to forgive. Peace? What’s that? I
couldn’t even IMAGINE a life with peace from that point on!!!! Who are these
people to presume that me excusing my husband for his actions would lead to my
peace????
My problem is that I mixed up
forgiveness with excusing the actions. It’s not easy to keep that distinction
in your mind either…..or for the person you are forgiving to maintain that
distinction unless they absolutely understand the pain they caused.
The anger subsides, the peace
will come….but it takes a LOT of work, acceptance first (DBT calls it radical
acceptance of what ‘is’), and knowing who you are and what type of soul you
want to be at your deepest core.
Kind regards to all –CP
- CP
says:
August 14, 2013 at 9:38 am
This article is so true. It’s
been three years since I found out about my husband’s affair, two years since I
found out the whole ‘truth’. One of my biggest and most asked questions was and
is…when will the pain go away? Well, the pain has definitely subsided over
time, with a lot of therapy (I recommend DBT therapy highly) and with a husband
who is remorseful and who has worked on himself to change. And still…I’m not
quite ready to forgive, although I have finally accepted. There is no time
limit for forgiveness and saying you forgive someone before you feel it is,
frankly, dishonest and does not do either one of you any good. My husband knows
I am working toward forgiveness (for him) and also forgiveness for myself….because
that’s one thing this article doesn’t talk about: how much you blame yourself
and hate yourself for what happened….or for what you allowed to happen (in your
mind).
The one biggest and most freeing
thing anyone has ever said to me during this process…because forgiveness is not
a light switch, but a process…..is that it happens in each person’s own time.
There is no rule that says ‘a year after it happened, you should be able to
forgive or your relationship has no future’. No…..as long as you are both working
on your relationship and on yourselves, be patient. Be patient with yourself
because, although acceptance takes time, forgiveness — true and sincere
forgiveness and subsequent peace — takes a LOT more time to achieve.
I pray that all of you reading this
blog find peace and forgiveness.
–CP
http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/relationship-help/
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