What is Your Love Style?

What is Your Love Style?

Our love styles are shaped from our early childhood attachments and imprints from past:

Are you an Avoider, Vacillator, Pleaser, Controller or Victim? Read this article to determine your Love Style. When you discover your Love Style you will have a much better understanding of why your relationships with others are the way they are.

THE AVOIDER

If you are an avoider you are private, self-sufficient and like your “space”. You are usually “fine”, have few emotions, and avoid being needy. Most likely, your spouse wants more connection and affection than you want to give and you may try to comply with their wishes, but ask for little in return. When your mate becomes angry because you “won’t connect”, you minimize and attempt to evade the conflict. Your partner’s complaints are most likely the focal point and if they were happy, you would be fine. You are probably task oriented and a high achiever and show your love by doing more than by connecting. Over time, you may resent your spouse because you feel they always want something, while you want very little. Your spouse may tell you that you are distant and don’t seem to need them. One of your most important growth goals will be to learn to receive and give on an emotional level by becoming more aware of your feelings and needs.

THE PLEASER

Growing up, you were probably known as the “good kid” and tried your best to please others and avoid rejection or criticism. As an adult, you form connections by seeking to meet the needs of others with little consideration or awareness of your own needs. You have difficulty tolerating space, separation, and conflict in relationships and emotional or physical distance from your mate may cause feelings of anxiety, insecurity or jealousy to surface. When others are upset with you, pursuing and giving help to sooth the anxiety and stress you feel. You avoid conflict and it’s difficult for you to be honest. Anger, if felt, is expressed indirectly or not at all. If you have been in this role for a long time in your marriage, you may be resentful feeling you give more than you get. You spouse may tell you that you over pursue and give things they don’t ask for or want. Your most important growth goal is to learn to say “No”, and tolerate the conflict that may result from being more honest. Expressing your own feelings and needs will help your relationships be more reciprocal.

THE VACILLATOR

Instead of minimizing your feelings and needs as the avoidant, you are keenly aware of your desire for connection. You prefer intense experiences of bonding in relationships because passion makes you feel close. This initial, intense connection causes you to idealize others early in relationships, believing you have found a person capable of devoted, passionate, and enduring connection. You are sensitive and easily feel disappointed, rejected, or unwanted as the relationship progresses, and you eventually become angry when your expectations are not met. Over time, you feel betrayed, abandoned and made to wait for your partner to be available. Your anger causes you to vacillate between wanting attention and feeling too angry to receive. This is confusing to you as well as to others. The message you give is, “Come here”. “No, go away”. Your mate may tell you they feel like they are walking on eggshells and cannot make you happy. One of your biggest growth challenges will be to admit your part in your marriage problems by recognizing no spouse can be as wonderful as you would like. Learn to accept the weaknesses of others express sadness rather than anger. Be willing to reengage with your spouse rather than letting anger block progress.

THE CONTROLLER AND THE VICTIM

As kids, your parents did not relieve stress; they created it, so chaos was “normal.” You may have learned to defend yourself by becoming controlling and aggressive, discovering anger is a preferable emotion to any tender feelings. feelings of humiliation, shame, fear, or grief. As an adult you control others believing your must take what you want by using threats, intimidation and sometimes even violence. Any flicker of vulnerable emotion like insecurity, fear or grief is quickly banished with anger. You must acknowledge and deal with the pain from your past in order to grow and change because there is a lot of grief under all that anger. If you survived the chaos of childhood by trying to be compliant, passive, and invisible, as an adult you still feel unable to assert yourself and will tend to marry someone controlling, who will dominate you. Your low self-esteem keeps you believing problems are somehow your fault, so you try even harder to subdue anger in your spouse. You will need to find a safe place to gain some confidence and support.

THE SECURE CONNECTOR

Secure attachment is when we looked at what kind of home guides a child toward a secure imprint as an adult. If you are a secure connector you are comfortable with reciprocity and balance giving and receiving in your marriage. You can describe strengths and weakness in yourself and others without idealizing or devaluating. You are good at self-reflection and know what is inside you, which makes it easy to clearly communicate your feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modeled for you growing up, so in your marriage it is natural for you address problems, accept advice, see alternative perspectives, and negotiate and compromise to resolve problems. You know you are not perfect and can apologize when you are wrong. You also can set boundaries and say “no.” You are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, you go to your mate for help and comfort. You may have some of these qualities and need to improve some of the others. Set a goal today and pick one of the areas listed above to in which you would like to make progress.

What is your love style?

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Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
The Relationship Society
310-560-0726
relationshipsociety@gmail.com