Owning My Part Is The Way Out of Any Conflict

Joe -- GET Real!? Blog:
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Owning My Part Is The Way Out of Any Conflict

What makes intimacy tricky sometimes is that in your attempts to feel seen, heard, and known, (often what we most desire) you may take a risk and share who you are in a vulnerable moment. But instead of being received, you feel misunderstood, judged, and not really heard by me. Your share triggered me into my stuff and now I’m on the defensive, feeling blamed or made wrong for how you are feeling. Sometimes this can escalate into a long fight, or rift between us.

What just happened? Our need/fear dilemma and dance!!!

Well, I got triggered. My own past prevented me from seeing you. Your vulnerability and the way you shared it reminded me of (___________) and I got hooked there. Then, you got derailed by me being triggered and went into your stuff, projecting that I was your (__________). Now, I’m really triggered because you’re reacting, just like my mom, and I want to point out how lame you are for derailing this whole thing. You then, are so fed up you walk away with your hands in the air, judging me, and wondering if you’re crazy and why you’re with me. I get triggered by you leaving the conversation because of my abandonment stuff (that I’m not aware of), so I get desperate and try to get you to come back and “work it out” with me but I’m doing it from a place of panic and charge, so you don’t receive it or trust it (as you shouldn’t b/c it’s loaded with my baggage).

And on and on we go…..

Anyone relate to this one?

Both parties need some love and some help.

I see this dynamic all the time and it doesn’t need to go down this way. At any point, the most mature, resourced person has a responsibility and choice to own up to what’s going on, with themselves.

Both of us need a shared vision, shared map and shared tools. I need “awareness,” and the desire to work through the stuff on my side, so that I can receive you. And, what you do is your business. Sure, I have a preference that you go work on your triggers and hurts that come up in relationship to me, but I don’t need that. I’m committed to my own development and to working through my part. I’m committed to having you feel understood and received by me. Why? Because you matter to me. Because I want to know you, all of you.

If this sounds vaguely familiar...and want to seek out and learn this relationship as a path-work and practice for your own relationship in counseling...PM me or call me at 310-560-0726... Share with your friends in need!

Cheers, Joe


From Alienation to Connection – Bridging the Gap:
According to Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, Author of Reboot Your Relationship and Couple Therapist -- when couples disagree, most repeat the following disruptive pattern: blame, criticize, defend, express contempt, distance, and emotionally or physically withdraw. Distress is not about how many fights you have or even if you resolve the fights. Distress is about how you fight, and whether you can retain some sort of emotional connection after the fight. While traditional types of marital counseling tend to be open-ended and seek to solve immediate problems, such as continual arguing, by focusing primarily on behavior change and communication skills, the Reboot Your Relationship approach hones in on increasing a couple's appreciation for how each partner feels in order to build trust and a secure base they can each rely on. In this approach, couples learn to recognize the negative cycle they are stuck in, where one person criticizes and the other responds defensively or withdraws. Couples learn to identify the needs and fears that keep them in that cycle. They learn to identify and express their underlying emotions. Partners learn to empathize with each other and become more supportive of each other. Partners come together through the emotional needs they are each expressing, and can begin to comfort each other's needs.

Until a couple is able to identify, acknowledge and ultimately forgive injuries, an emotional gulf persists between them. No matter how dissatisfying things have become and how unhappy or angry partners may be, they each need to feel safe in coming together to work out their problems. Each partner needs to understand the emotions dictating their actions. The emotions behind perceived problems are the key to understanding each other.

The Reboot Your Relationship Couple Therapy and Intensive is a journey that can lead couples:
• From alienation to emotional connection.
• From vigilant defense and self-protection to openness and risk-taking.
• From a passive helplessness in the face of the old destructive “dance” of the relationship to a sense of being able to actively create a new and better dance.
• From desperate blaming of the other to a sense of how each partner makes it difficult for the other to be responsive and caring.
• From a focus on the other's flaws, to the discovery of one's own fears and longings.
• But most of all, from isolation to connectedness, reconciliation and forgiveness.

SOS Couple Retreat
http://soscoupleretreat.wordpress.com/about/