Hey Guys,
More on conflict and boundaries:
When facing conflict in an intimate relationship we can shrink away from the pain being triggered in us by pointing the finger at the Other. By keeping the attention on them, we get to side step our personal work we have going on and cooking internally.
For example, we might be uncomfortable setting a boundary with a friend. Our story is “I don’t want to upset them. I want to set my boundary in a non-threatening way.” First, we have to remember we’ve trained them with our porous boundaries, so there likely will be a reaction. Next, them feeling threatened or upset by our boundary is their problem, not ours. So, when we reel ourselves back to our personal space and tune in to our discomfort, we likely find, as we take a closer look at why we are afraid, that we are afraid to feel upset ourselves as we see them get upset. This is classic emotional fusion, enmeshment, or co-dependency.
If you really want to learn conflict and boundaries, you have to take the attitude that you need the very thing that you think is going to kill you. In other words, you need their reactivity to fuel your healing.
More on conflict and boundaries:
When facing conflict in an intimate relationship we can shrink away from the pain being triggered in us by pointing the finger at the Other. By keeping the attention on them, we get to side step our personal work we have going on and cooking internally.
For example, we might be uncomfortable setting a boundary with a friend. Our story is “I don’t want to upset them. I want to set my boundary in a non-threatening way.” First, we have to remember we’ve trained them with our porous boundaries, so there likely will be a reaction. Next, them feeling threatened or upset by our boundary is their problem, not ours. So, when we reel ourselves back to our personal space and tune in to our discomfort, we likely find, as we take a closer look at why we are afraid, that we are afraid to feel upset ourselves as we see them get upset. This is classic emotional fusion, enmeshment, or co-dependency.
If you really want to learn conflict and boundaries, you have to take the attitude that you need the very thing that you think is going to kill you. In other words, you need their reactivity to fuel your healing.
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