In the heat of conflict...love in action...

In the heat of conflict, it is easy to overlook the beauty of life by believing other people can affect your mood. In reality, they do not limit your experience -- only you do. If this is so, why does it seem as if negative people have the power to limit the happiness of others? In truth, your happiness isn’t restricted by anyone’s behavior. It becomes compromised when their negativity inspires you to turn away and close your heart. As you transition from avoiding to empathizing with those in pain, even if done silently at a distance, you begin to access your unlimited spiritual power as love in action.

More on conflict and boundaries:

Hey Guys,

More on conflict and boundaries:

When facing conflict in an intimate relationship we can shrink away from the pain being triggered in us by pointing the finger at the Other. By keeping the attention on them, we get to side step our personal work we have going on and cooking internally.

For example, we might be uncomfortable setting a boundary with a friend. Our story is “I don’t want to upset them. I want to set my boundary in a non-threatening way.” First, we have to remember we’ve trained them with our porous boundaries, so there likely will be a reaction. Next, them feeling threatened or upset by our boundary is their problem, not ours. So, when we reel ourselves back to our personal space and tune in to our discomfort, we likely find, as we take a closer look at why we are afraid, that we are afraid to feel upset ourselves as we see them get upset. This is classic emotional fusion, enmeshment, or co-dependency.

If you really want to learn conflict and boundaries, you have to take the attitude that you need the very thing that you think is going to kill you. In other words, you need their reactivity to fuel your healing.

Transformed by the power of Acceptance

When lack or limitation shows up in your life, it acts as a powerful catalyst of transformation. Its’ purpose is to help you pinpoint traces of fear that surface in how defensively you respond to change. As this becomes evident, any sense of disharmony is only attracted to inspire more healing. No matter how often reactions occur, each one reveals the next feeling in line to be transformed by the power of acceptance.

"Relationship as a Practice..."

I get asked this question all the time by singles and couples---"what is a relationship?"

Consider "Relationship as a Practice..."
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety
310-560-0726
First we must understand that there is an internal struggle 'within' and 'between' and the relationship itself is a mirror for some of the unconscious relationship wounds and 'hot-wired' patterns that trigger us. 

The Bible reminds us in James 4:1-4 "Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don’t have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn’t yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it."

Can the purpose of a relationship be to trigger our wounds? In a way, yes, because that is how healing happens; darkness must be exposed before it can be transformed. The purpose of an intimate relationship is not that it be a place where we can hide from our weaknesses, but rather where we can safely let them go. It takes strength of character to truly delve into the mystery of an intimate relationship, because it takes the strength to endure a kind of psychic surgery, an emotional and psychological and even spiritual initiation into the higher Self.

When I look around the world, and I see the intense change and tragedy, pain, conflict, it all seem to be created by us humans. We are a funny breed and most of us have never been formally taught “how” to do relationship. And the first relationship we never learned how to do is the relationship to ourselves. So, how could we possibly really know how to do relationship with “other?”

So, war is not surprising to me. When we are this disconnected from our own beings and from God, we will likely “act out.” This includes, manipulation and control, rape, murder, killing, other violent acts, as well as more simple pervasive abuse such as neglect of the earth, of our own backyard, and our own selves.

In my world, relationship is a practice. Moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day.

I spent years meditating, spending time alone in the vast wilderness, and in a few different “conscious” spiritual communities. I had many different teachers, guides, and mentors along the way. However, all but one, walked his talk when it came to teachings of relationship and intimacy.

Relationship is at the heart of EVERYTHING. We are in relationship to everything and everyone. We might become an advanced meditator, but experience the same habitual patterns in relationship. Taking your relationship challenges to the yoga mat, or into nature is fine, but it will only take you so far. To really heal your relationship issues, you must do so in-relationship.

This is where the “practice” of relationship comes in. If we treat relationship as a process, and more importantly a practice, rather than a destination, we will have a more realistic attitude that can then help us deepen our relationships AND move us toward wholeness. Herein lies the hidden gem. That through working on all our relationships, we transform ourselves and begin to awaken.

And, the practice works from the inside out, not the outside in. In other words, to truly change your relationship life, you must change yourself. Historically I did that in isolation. I “worked on myself” diligently in solitude–on the mediation cushion and by going on long solo trips in the wilderness. Because relationships were so painful, I thought I had to deal with them by myself. As a result, I missed amazing opportunities that were right in front of me, everyday.

Of course, not everyone in your life will be on board with this “practice.” No problem, you don’t need their buy-in to use them to grow yourself. At the same time, to go farther, faster, it will help you to have like-minded practioners to walk along side you. People who agree to call you out, to care enough to give you loving feedback when you need it, or to celebrate your progress along the way.

If we practice often we begin to “see” others more clearly and compassionately, and we allow ourselves to be seen as we really are. Seeing and being seen are incredible feelings if you have spent your whole life feeling like no one understands you or even knows you.

So, If you want more amazing, fulfilling relationships, working on yourself using relationships will be the quickest way to progress.

You have two main choices…

You can A) Keep doing what you are doing and you’ll likely see the same results, or B) Work on YOU and start getting some feedback on how you do relationship by engaging in The Practice.

But how and where to start?

I recommend 3 main ways.

1. Get connected first to God and to yourself. Before you dive into relationship as a practice, it is VERY helpful if you are able to connect to God and yourself in the present moment. If you are unable to connect to yourself, your relationships will only reach a certain level of intimacy. The good news? If you struggle connecting to yourself or even have a hard time knowing what that means, you can use relationship to get there.

2. The Ability to feel discomfort. Most people go their entire lives numb to their pain. To begin to change your relationship life and change yourself, it’s best to learn how to “sit in the fire” of strong emotion or sensation.

For example, if you are a parent and you can only tolerate your child’s emotions for a small window of time, you will likely shut your kid down your because you are not able to tolerate their upset. Having a mindfulness practice, a spiritual practice, or another way you connect to yourself. Meditation, yoga, walking, time in nature, art, dance, music, etc all can be ways you “drop in” and connect to yourself. This is key on the relationship path.

3. Choose Relationship as a Practice. Engage in formal relationship practice with someone more experienced than you. Working formally as an individual, couple, or in a group over a period of time can be critical to gaining more self-awareness about how you do relationship. You might hire us wanting to discuss your relationship patterns and then receive a reflection in the moment about how you are repeating “your thing” with the facilitator. To be seen in your pattern and having it brought to your attention it is the first step in changing it.

Find other people who also want to Practice in this way. Join this community- The Relationship Society!

I think you get the idea. It’s time we use all of our relationships as the vehicle to transform ourselves and awaken.

James 4
The Voice (VOICE)
Worldly wisdom may promise the good life, but it leads to chaos and destruction every time. Ultimately true wisdom comes from God.

4 Where do you think your fighting and endless conflict come from? Don’t you think that they originate in the constant pursuit of gratification that rages inside each of you like an uncontrolled militia? 2 You crave something that you do not possess, so you murder to get it. You desire the things you cannot earn, so you sue others and fight for what you want. You do not have because you have chosen not to ask. 3 And when you do ask, you still do not get what you want because your motives are all wrong—because you continually focus on self-indulgence. 4 You are adulterers. Don’t you know that making friends with this corrupt world order is open aggression toward God? So anyone who aligns with this bogus world system is declaring war against the one true God. 5 Do you think it is empty rhetoric when the Scriptures say, “The spirit that lives in us is addicted to envy and jealousy”?[a] 6 You may think that the situation is hopeless, but God gives us more grace when we turn away from our own interests.

Reboot Your Relationship
Joe Whitcomb MA Mft

The Most Common Relationship Issue

The Most Common Relationship Issue

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT

www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

We all have one thing in common when it comes to relationship.
We are scared to really be ourselves and tell the full truth while in relationship.
We avoid conflict, shrink, play nice, and run away. At an extreme, some of us will allow others to dictate our life’s course and will allow our parents or culture to push us around. At a more mundane level, we justify why we can’t tell our boss, friend, or lover, what is really going on inside of us.

If we are honest, we are just scared to be ourselves.
The most common places we hold back our truth is in our own families and intimate relationships.

I work with a lot of people and have plenty of friends who simply won’t tell their parents or spouse that they smoke pot, drink, look at porn, or that they talked to an X-lover on facebook. All supposedly “shameful” behaviors.

Why is that? What is going on here? And what would be the cost if we just came out and told the truth?

Answering these important questions will help us begin to untangle the sticky web we have created for ourselves. It will help us own what we are withholding and choose consciously if we want to keep doing that.

For example, you might have justified your withhold by saying something like, “I don’t want to hurt her feelings” or “I don’t want to rock the boat” or “I didn’t want to upset him, he’s already got so much on his plate.” We all do some version of this.
But why really do we hold back our truth?

Problem: Other and Self-Preservation at All Cost

Layer One: We are protecting them. Up front we might think we are being considerate because if we told them how we really feel, they might feel bad, mad, or sad.

Layer Two: You are protecting yourself. If we dig deeper and look at why we are protecting someone else we will always find that we are “protecting them” to avoid a feeling or experience in ourselves.

For example, if I tell the truth and see them upset, I will have to feel _______.” Usually we are avoiding some form of discomfort; a yucky feeling, an uncomfortable sensation, or a fear of judgment, abandonment or rejection. Bottom line? In our seemingly noble guise to “protect” the other person, we are really protecting ourselves. We are basically scared to feel whatever we’ll have to feel and face seeing them react to our truth.

When we do this, we are actually robbing the person the opportunity to grow having received our truth. We cut the legs out from under someone by assuming they can’t handle what we speak, share, or communicate. We disrespect their intelligence and the notion that they can indeed take care of themselves.

If someone gets hurt or upset by what we say, especially if we are coming from a place of honesty, love, care, and service, it is their problem, not ours and we can’t do anything about their reaction. But we can do something about our reaction to their reaction.

Lots more to say but I’m working on keeping my posts shorter so, we’ll go a bit further on this in the next post as we discuss co-dependency.

In the meantime, notice the ways in which you play this out and choose if you want to keep doing relationship this way.

Joe Whitcomb MA Mft

Power and Love

Power and Love

 

“There’s a widely held belief that to be loved you have to abandon power, and vice versa,” says Adam Kahane, author of Power and Love. “Then you choose a partner who provides the missing function.”

In fact, when expressed separately, love and power degenerate, he argues. Lack of love turns power into unconstrained self-interest; lack of power makes love sentimental and romantic, demanding fusion and loss of selfhood. A healthy relationship is both two and one at the same time—love enables individual partners to become their full selves. And such growth provides them with the strength to maintain their oneness. Power, he explains, isn’t dominion over others but the drive of every living thing to realize itself. “Nothing in the world would happen without power; it’s the life force. Love enables power.”

The Elements of Equality

Attention. Both partners are emotionally attuned to and supportive of each other. They listen to each other. And both feel invested in the relationship, responsible for attending to and maintaining the relationship itself.

Influence. Partners are responsive to each other’s needs and each other’s bids for attention, conversation, and connection. Each has the ability to engage and emotionally affect the other.

Accommodation. Although life may present short periods when one partner’s needs take precedence, it occurs by mutual agreement; over the long haul, both partners influence the relationship and make decisions jointly.

Respect. Each partner has positive regard for the humanity of the other and sees the other as admirable, worthy of kindness in a considerate and collaborative relationship.

Selfhood. Each partner retains a viable self, capable of functioning without the relationship if necessary, able to be his or her own person with inviolable boundaries that reflect core values.

Status. Both partners enjoy the same freedom to directly define and assert what is important and to put forth what is the agenda of the relationship. Both feel entitled to have and express their needs and goals and bring their full self into the relationship.

Vulnerability. Each partner is willing to admit weakness, uncertainty, and mistakes.

Fairness. In perception—determined by flexibility and responsiveness—and behavior, both partners feel that chores and responsibilities are divided in ways that support individual and collective well-being.

Repair. Conflicts may occur and negativity may escalate quickly, but partners make deliberate efforts to de-escalate such discussions and calm each other down by taking time-outs and apologizing for harshness. They follow up by replacing defensiveness with listening to the other’s position.

Well-being. Both partners foster the well-being of the other physically, emotionally, and financially.

Light up your world and your relationship with these key balancing principles on power and love. 

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
www.relationshipsociety.com
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety
310-560-0726