Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Rebuilding Trust After You've Had an Affair


Question: I have all but destroyed my husband's trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, "I'm sorry - I won't do it again." to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?"


 
Answer:
In this situation your words have become meaningless to your husband. It's good to say, "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." That's a start, but it is not nearly enough. The betrayed spouse wonders, “Why was it not good enough the first time you promised on our wedding day?” After a broken promise of this magnitude, words mean nothing, actions mean everything. It’s what you do, not what you say, that really counts.


Here is the key to rebuilding trust: YOUR PROVEN BEHAVIOR OVER TIME.

1. The first proven behavior is to break all ties with the 3rd party. Have no contact at all with this person. Change jobs if necessary. Let your husband be on the other end of the line when you tell the other person, you never want to hear from or speak to them again, that you are 100% committed to your marriage.

2. Do whatever you can to show your husband your love through your actions. Let your husband know that you are 100% committed to this marriage and that you will do whatever it takes, no holds barred, to prove that to him. Ask your husband what he would like, what you can do to win back his trust again, and do anything he identifies.

3. Be totally accountable to your husband. Let him read your cell phone bills, credit card bills, call you whenever he wants, read your journals etc. etc. You have to realize part of the consequences to lying is giving up your right to privacy for a time, until trust is restored.

4. Be willing to answer any questions at all your husband has about the affair. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LESSEN THE BLOW BY WITHOLDING INFORMATION. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust. The truth always comes out in time ... and then you have to give an account for lying after you promised not to lie anymore. Very rarely can trust be rebuilt when this is the case.

“If you do the same thing you’ve always done, you’ll get the same thing you’ve always got.”

Just deciding not to have an affair is insufficient. If willpower alone would do the trick, you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. Discovering the real root causes for why is a journey. It takes time. As first your initial impulse will likely be to blame your husband for the affair. In some marriages there may be loneliness or unmet needs that contributed to vulnerability, and certainly these should be addressed.

But the real reasons lie within your self. You need to take a deep and honest at your inner heart. What really made you vulnerable? Why did you compromise the decision you had made to be exclusively faithful to your husband? When you discover the real root causes and have made the appropriate changes your husband will have a solid reason to trust you again.


May you be blessed with the miracle of healing after the affair in your marriage.

Get some help now.......

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