Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I automatically lashed back in defense.

It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be, worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.

Perfume, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment.

I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night." That was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I needed my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions.

Just because something isn't spoken about, doesn't mean it's not important. A relationship or marriage is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts

Rebuilding Trust After You've Had an Affair

Question: I have all but destroyed my husband's trust in me as I have lied to him over the last year. I desperately want to regain his trust. Is there anything I can say or propose to him besides saying, "I'm sorry - I won't do it again." to make him open to at least giving me a chance to try to rebuild the trust?"

 

Answer:

In this situation your words have become meaningless to your husband. It's good to say, "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again." That's a start, but it is not nearly enough. The betrayed spouse wonders, “Why was it not good enough the first time you promised on our wedding day?” After a broken promise of this magnitude, words mean nothing, actions mean everything. It’s what you do, not what you say, that really counts.

Here is the key to rebuilding trust: YOUR PROVEN BEHAVIOR OVER TIME.

1. The first proven behavior is to break all ties with the 3rd party. Have no contact at all with this person. Change jobs if necessary. Let your husband be on the other end of the line when you tell the other person, you never want to hear from or speak to them again, that you are 100% committed to your marriage.

2. Do whatever you can to show your husband your love through your actions. Let your husband know that you are 100% committed to this marriage and that you will do whatever it takes, no holds barred, to prove that to him. Ask your husband what he would like, what you can do to win back his trust again, and do anything he identifies.

3. Be totally accountable to your husband. Let him read your cell phone bills, credit card bills, call you whenever he wants, read your journals etc. etc. You have to realize part of the consequences to lying is giving up your right to privacy for a time, until trust is restored.

4. Be willing to answer any questions at all your husband has about the affair. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LESSEN THE BLOW BY WITHOLDING INFORMATION. Withholding information will destroy any hope of rebuilding trust. The truth always comes out in time ... and then you have to give an account for lying after you promised not to lie anymore. Very rarely can trust be rebuilt when this is the case.

“If you do the same thing you’ve always done, you’ll get the same thing you’ve always got.”

Just deciding not to have an affair is insufficient. If willpower alone would do the trick, you wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. Discovering the real root causes for why is a journey. It takes time. As first your initial impulse will likely be to blame your husband for the affair. In some marriages there may be loneliness or unmet needs that contributed to vulnerability, and certainly these should be addressed.

But the real reasons lie within your self. You need to take a deep and honest at your inner heart. What really made you vulnerable? Why did you compromise the decision you had made to be exclusively faithful to your husband? When you discover the real root causes and have made the appropriate changes your husband will have a solid reason to trust you again.

May you be blessed with the miracle of healing after the affair in your marriage.

Get some help now.......

Becoming a Relationship Coach Q&A

We had a great event yesterday for our Becoming a Relationship Coach Q&A

If you missed it, you can download the recording here
Topics covered include-

• Is relationship coaching a good fit for me?
• Can I really be a successful relationship coach?
• How to choose a specialty and niche
• Strategies for marketing and getting clients
• RCI’s Quick Start Program
• How RCI helps you build a successful relationship coaching business
• And more!

Whether you're just starting out or already practice as a helping professional (counselor, therapist, minister, etc), if you're interested in learning more about relationship coaching this program will answer your questions.

I'm not going to lie about your marriage and tell you everything is going to be okay.

The bottom is dropping out of your world right now. Your marriage, everything you love and treasure, everything you have worked your life for, everything that's familiar to you... it's all on a knife-edge. 

You can't eat... you can't sleep... you can't think straight...

Your health is in freefall due to the enormous stress you are under. Your whole life and future happiness, something that at one time seemed so certain, now hangs precariously in the balance, waiting for you to make the next move.

Your marriage is about to jump off a cliff... is it going to take you with it?

I have THREE things to share with you that will immediately disarm the threat of divorce and work on rebuilding and saving your marriage RIGHT NOW if you do them, but you have to listen carefully and do them without hesitation if you want to save your marriage. It's that important.

1.	STOP what you are doing right now. The misguided methods and well-meaning ideas you have used up until now have not worked. That's why you are here and your marriage is teetering even closer towards divorce. What you have done may be pushing your spouse even further away, even into the arms (and the bed) of another person. It's time to rethink and relearn everything you ever thought about how to save your marriage and get your dream life back.
2.	Break forever the chain of lies, the resentment, the doubt, and the never ending negative spiral of arguments that has catapulted you and your spouse from happily married to the gates of hell and the very real possibility of divorce. No matter how complicated or unique your marriage issues are, I have the key that will stop the arguing and negativity dead in its tracks, focus you and your spouse back on YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE, and open your eyes to the love that still simmers beneath.
3.	Turn your spouse around and make them LOVE you, CHERISH you, and DESIRE you again, so completely and powerfully that your marriage is the strongest it has ever been and is immune to the threat of breakup and divorce ever again.

It might sound impossible right now to visualize your renewed, loving marriage again... but I promise you, if you read through this page and do what it says, you'll be shocked at how quickly your marriage turns around for the better, how the communication with your spouse will go from awkward and angry to nurturing and positive, and how you will have the loving spouse and the strong, supportive marriage you have always dreamed about and deserve.

That mind-numbing, consuming pain that has taken over your entire body that is with you every moment of every day will become a distant memory, as you use and apply my life-changing skills and key psychological secrets to your marriage, and make sure that you never face these sickening feelings of loss and loneliness ever again. 

I am going to reveal to you my life-changing methods for saving your marriage, but first I have a very important truth to share with you before carrying on...

Your Spouse Is Lying To You About The Real Reasons They Want A Divorce

Chances are they don't want to tell you what their real reasons are... for fear of hurting you, for fear of making them look bad, or they might not even fully know or understand the real reasons themselves.

If you want to discover the truth and cut through the lies and ultimately save your marriage, there are several things you are going to have to learn and apply before you are able to make that happen. 

If you're like the thousands of couples I've helped over the years, you'll have heard or used a few of the following reasons for ending a marriage:

"I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore..."

"We've grown apart."

"You've changed."

"You're not exciting or fun anymore."

"I've met someone else and I think I love them..."

"I hate you!"

"I'm sick of your nagging!"

"I don't want to be married anymore and there's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind."

Any of these sound familiar?

I know that when your marriage is teetering on a cliff edge it can feel like you are the only one in the world this is happening to, and feel completely devastated at hearing one of these lies, but let me tell you that you are not the only one who has heard these excuses and none of these have to spell the end of your marriage if you don't want it to. 

It's about cutting through these lies, digging deep, and exposing the real reasons your marriage is in trouble, tackling the core of your crisis rather than going over the same old ground and having the same old arguments again and again... learning nothing and getting no further ahead! 

The difference between a marriage that ends in divorce and one that fights back and survives is using and developing the right techniques and strategies that your marriage needs... at the optimum right time. It's about understanding and reconnecting with your core self and the crucial role you play in saving your marriage, even if you are the only one that wants to save it, the values you want to bring to your marriage, what to say, how to say it, and when, and developing this into a formula for success!

Don't wait...book a session with Joe or Savannah TODAY!

Mindfulness

How do you use mindfulness as a tool to managing your own reactivity in relationship conflict?

It can be hard to maintain a sense of presence and awareness of your thoughts, body sensations and feelings when you’re irritated or frustrated.  When you’re feeling wounded by your partner, there’s a part of you that naturally wants to hurt back. You’re often not just responding to just that situation but perhaps a history of similar incidents that caused hurt and perhaps never adequately got addressed.

Mindfulness increases your awareness of what you are experiencing and reminds you that if you can take some space to catch your habituated thoughts and feelings about your partner, you can slow down your reactivity towards them.

This can help you make better choices on a moment-to-moment basis on how you want to act in your daily life.  When you bring your focus of attention to the present moment on purpose, you’re far less likely to build a case against your partner or blow up around their perceived faults and shortcomings.

Here’s a great mindfulness practice you can try now:

•  Track back to an incident where you felt triggered by your partner and you could feel the conversation escalating into a heated argument.
• In your imagination see yourself as thoughts and feelings were cooking inside of you. Really notice yourself. Were you feeling anger? Frustrated? Were you tired? Stressed? Just see or sense into your emotions or body sensations at the time as if you are watching a replay of a film, where you can press the pause button at any time.
• Now take a few long, slow breaths and see and feel these emotions as an observer, without reacting to them, without getting caught up in judgements or overwhelm.
• As you observe yourself, take a moment to feel compassion for yourself and your partner, both good people, caught up in the pain of this conflict together.
• Think about how you would have liked to respond to this incident if you hadn’t slipped into reaction mode.
• Remember, this is not necessarily about resolving the conflict, but simply catching your own behaviour pattern and exercising an awareness of the thoughts and feelings in the moment.
• As you catch these thoughts and feelings in the moment you may also notice choices available to you in that moment.

We can cultivate incredible love, compassion, patience and good humour around our pets, why not around our partners?

Mindfulness practice on a daily basis allows you to become more centred and calm, so you can talk things out instead of spiralling into a screaming match. When you’re on the defensive with your partner, criticising or reacting to every word they say, you can miss what’s really going on for them.

You can miss their experience, what their trigger or hurt was and what they are really asking of us?
As you cultivate an atmosphere of curiosity, openness and empathy in our communication you can develop greater insight, and compassion towards ourselves and those you love.

5 Losing Relationship Strategies

Have a look and ask yourself whether you are using any of these “losing” strategies in an attempt to improve your relationship. If you are you may just be wondering why they are not working and you stay at loggerheads with your partner.

1. Being right

Being right is a bit of a slippery slope and it often comes down to being right according to whom? Sorting out differences in a relationship is not a matter of who is right or wrong and when you are trying to be right. It may be according to your value system without taking into account the values of your partner.
Nobody wins when the discussion or argument tips over into self-righteous indignation. In fact, you may end up hurting the person that you love by shaming them according to your values and applying this “scientific method” to your relationship.
Remember that you are both right. Each of you can have different experiences of the one event because you are different people with different perspectives. Every relationship has multiple truths
Trying to assert your version of events as the right one only seeks to create greater distance between you and your partner.

2. Controlling your partner

People don’t like to be controlled and the reality is that it’s never a successful strategy and is likely to foster resentment and mistrust.
Whether it is direct or indirect (manipulation) controlling, it crosses the boundaries of the relationship and may create more distance between you and your partner instead of working to bridge the gap.
Letting go of control is hard for some people as they want to feel they have a say or input in everything their partners does.
But remember this; control is an illusion.
None of us can control anyone and the longer you think you can, the faster you start to lose your relationship intimacy.

3. Unbridled self-expression

Unbridled self-expression is often couched in one of you saying ‘but I’m just being honest!’
Some couples think that it’s OK to just share everything that crosses their mind, without reflecting on the impact it will have on their partner.
Honesty is not always your best policy, particularly if it leads to you hurting your partner through you ‘speaking your truth’.
Try authentic sharing that speaks to the heart of what you are feeling to communicate accurately with your partner instead of unbridled self-expression that rarely prompts generosity in others.

4. Retaliation

Whether the retaliation is large or small, direct or indirect, you cross a boundary when you “offend” from the position of a victim.
Offending from the position of a victim means if you feel you have been wronged or hurt in some way by your partner, you retaliate from the position of the underdog. And you believe that your retaliation is completely reasonable.
While you may feel justified in retaliating from this position, particularly when you feel hurt, the reality is you rarely get the result you want.
It’s important to understand the distinction between retaliating and simply standing up for yourself – you can stand up for yourself without attacking. And if you can learn to develop that skill, you’ll find that you can create greater intimacy between yourself and your partner.

5. Withdrawal

Withdrawal can mean a number of things. It may be that you are giving up, using it in a passive aggressive manner for retaliation or maybe signalling that you don’t wish to invest any further energy in the relationship.
Withdrawal creates resentment and makes it impossible for differences to be resolved.
Withdrawal is painful for you and your partner.
Nobody like to be shut out, and in fact, it’s often a much more damaging way to respond to your partner than staying in contact with your partner and sharing your anger or upset.
If you feel the need to withdraw from your partner, let them know what you are doing and make an agreement to stay in contact and reconnect to discuss things further. Doing so will promote trust, safety and good will in your relationship.

What losing strategies have you employed in your relationships? Share your comment below.

The Infidelity Recovery Method

The Infidelity Recovery Method

The "7 Step" Infidelity Recovery Method is the only program which will guarantee relief from the devastating news that your partner was unfaithful to you. The program offers a structured path from crushing hurt to being closer than ever before. The Infidelity Recovery Program takes 2 to 3 months to complete. It is short term coaching.

Nobody said that this process is easy. However, The Infidelity Recovery Method will give both people in the relationship a greater understanding of nature of affairs; how to relieve the symptoms of obsessive behaviors, triggers, and being unhappy; action steps to take to end the affair and begin the healing process; relationship coaching to correct the negative old patterns and behaviors; learn how to trust after the affair; and how to forgive after an affair.

You will be given a strategy on how to prevent future infidelity of happening in the relationship, and an action plan for future relationship development to ensure you stay "in love" and connected.

This program is different from marriage counseling or relationship coaching. The focus is on the affair - being either an emotional affair or a physical affair.

The Infidelity Recovery Program has a 90% success rate, where as traditional Marriage Counseling fails in 75% of cases when addressing the issue of infidelity & affairs.

Includes:

• Prepare Enrich Assessment
• Phone & Email support during the entire program
• Private individual sessions
• Couple Sessions

PLUS 25% of any future programs, seminars, coaching, and workshops you attend - for life!

Issues covered include:

Dealing with Addictions,

Communication,

Intimacy,

Affection,

Quality Time,

Boundary setting,

Emotional Attachments,

Trust,

Forgiveness,

Obsessive Thoughts, and

Children

Why a Coach?

Infidelity is SO difficult and painful...... that it often takes the assistance of an expert to help you navigate the intense and complex feelings of the betrayal. Be certain to choose a coach who is trained specifically in helping couples work through infidelity, a therapist who has a clear understanding of how to assist couples in facing the depth of feelings without taking sides or assumng they know what is best for you or your marriage.

A Coach is more assertive.... than a Marriage & Family Therapist when it comes to treating Infidelity. As experts in marriage and infidelity, our work with you will offer you hope as we give you the tools and a blueprint for greater understanding and a means to integrate your thoughts and feelings so you can make a clear-headed decision about one of the most important aspects of your life: your marriage.