Conflict

Reboot Your Relationship
Ever meet that couple that’s been married for years that says proudly, “We never fight!” Um, yeah. That’s often (not always) a yellow flag for me. After I spend time with these folks it turns out that under their “polite” demeanor, they are afraid of the C word. While this couple can claim they have no baggage because they don’t fight, it’s more that they implicitly agreed to stuff the baggage they do have in the attic or the basement in service of keeping whatever connection they have in tact. This type of marriage is typically a bit stale or flat. Best buds and roomies.

It’s understandable why a lot of us behave like this, hold back, and avoid conflict since most of us grew up with very limited teaching around how to really do this conflict stuff.

But the truth is conflict is a critical skill to learn in a long-term partnership. Fighting is a must. I’m not talking about fists and aggression. I’m talking about learning how to fight well in a strong, loving way. When we do this, our love grows and deepens. We model to our kids how to stand up for themselves and respect themselves. We model self-loving boundaries. We learn this wild dance between self and other and how to really love someone. We learn tools that help us move closer to each other when we’d rather shut down or run away. Our relationship life expands as we re-pattern our nervous systems. And, on and on.

So, if you are up for learning more, we’ll dive into this terrain on April 12th, 2014. Please come join the…..fun??
Joe Whitcomb MA Mft

Reboot Your Nervous System

Reboot Your Nervous System

Reboot Your Relationship - Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
Joe Blog: www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

Most people are trying to regulate their nervous system from the outside. This is appropriate and normal. This is critical in infant development. As babies, we “attune” to our external environment. If the big people and our environment are safe, we feel safe inside. If it isn’t safe, we don’t feel safe inside. As we grow we attract into our lives the ongoing vibration of our own nervous system. So, if we are anxious, we attract more of that. If we are hypervigilant, we attract things that mirror or require hypervigilance. If we are “negative”, we attract that. If we are calm and relaxed, that is mirrored back to us.

For those of us who feel challenged a lot, it’s important to understand why we keep attracting stressful, traumatic, repeating events, or certain people, into our lives. Most people think that it’s our bad luck, bad karma, or perhaps it’s someone else’s fault that our path feels so hard. We might look for a target to blame for our misery. We slowly slip into the victim seat.

However, if we investigate deeply about this, we start to realize that we are attracting that vibration into our lives for a reason---to repair and update the old hard drive. In other words, if we catch on, we use the “unsafe” environment as a wake up call to seek higher ground. We realize it’s hurting us, and the developmental task in that moment is to get in the driver’s seat and renovate and retrain the rusty wires from the inside out. During this process we can “find” people and environments that are “safe” that can hold us with love and respect through this growth period, and over the long haul--people who are running a different, “higher” vibration than us, so we can attune to that. But they don’t “find us” until we take responsibility for our outdated default setting. If we do rise to the occasion, we can now “find them” because we are doing something about it. Eventually, we pass through this portal in our soul’s evolution and we no longer keep attracting old painful experiences in the same way. The sun comes out and our vision is wider. We can hold more. We can see more. Having passed through this, we stand stronger in ourselves and are more whole. A nervous system upgrade. Confidence through hard won experience. At last we are demonstrating that we are ready for the next stage in our development.

Reboot Your Nervous System

Reboot Your Relationship - Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
Joe Blog: www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

Most people are trying to regulate their nervous system from the outside. This is appropriate and normal. This is critical in infant development. As babies, we “attune” to our external environment. If the big people and our environment are safe, we feel safe inside. If it isn’t safe, we don’t feel safe inside. As we grow we attract into our lives the ongoing vibration of our own nervous system. So, if we are anxious, we attract more of that. If we are hypervigilant, we attract things that mirror or require hypervigilance. If we are “negative”, we attract that. If we are calm and relaxed, that is mirrored back to us.

For those of us who feel challenged a lot, it’s important to understand why we keep attracting stressful, traumatic, repeating events, or certain people, into our lives. Most people think that it’s our bad luck, bad karma, or perhaps it’s someone else’s fault that our path feels so hard. We might look for a target to blame for our misery. We slowly slip into the victim seat.

However, if we investigate deeply about this, we start to realize that we are attracting that vibration into our lives for a reason---to repair and update the old hard drive. In other words, if we catch on, we use the “unsafe” environment as a wake up call to seek higher ground. We realize it’s hurting us, and the developmental task in that moment is to get in the driver’s seat and renovate and retrain the rusty wires from the inside out. During this process we can “find” people and environments that are “safe” that can hold us with love and respect through this growth period, and over the long haul--people who are running a different, “higher” vibration than us, so we can attune to that. But they don’t “find us” until we take responsibility for our outdated default setting. If we do rise to the occasion, we can now “find them” because we are doing something about it. Eventually, we pass through this portal in our soul’s evolution and we no longer keep attracting old painful experiences in the same way. The sun comes out and our vision is wider. We can hold more. We can see more. Having passed through this, we stand stronger in ourselves and are more whole. A nervous system upgrade. Confidence through hard won experience. At last we are demonstrating that we are ready for the next stage in our development.

Bust your Triggers in 4 Magical Ways!

Yes like every other parent on the planet, I too struggle with my daily triggers. Triggers are those situations or actions that really tick me off and drive me up the wall. Thankfully I am learning everyday new ways to bust those triggers and live a calmer life with my family. In this post I will share some of the work-around solutions I used, and have worked out for my family and me wonderfully;

1.    Be Conscious; this is the simplest way. I get triggered every-time my daughter cries, it just provokes me. Being conscious that this triggers me enabled me to dig deep into the reasons behind it and find out that it comes from childhood baggage that I was carrying around and projecting on my own kids. This was enlightening and empowering in a sense that it supported me in making different choices that were more in line with my values towards my family

2.    Rehearsal; You know how you rehearse before a presentation or try a your dress 2 days before the party, just to make sure that everything is working right? Well same thing goes with triggers. Once you’ve known what ticks you off, take the time to prepare yourself to “how” do you want to respond rather than react when that same them happens. Whether in a journal or a mental note or even a conversation with a coach, rehearsals are key for managing triggers

3.    Post-hearsal; This is magical, especially when there’s guilt associated with the matter. I would simply go take note of (1) what happened, (2) Why did I do so? (3) Why am I upset I reacted this way? and (4) How would I like to react the next time?. What’s amazing about this, is how it enables me to understand myself better and recap the whole situation again in my head and point out to my calmer self whatever un-reasonable judgments or guilt my tense brain is trying to push in

4.    Workarounds; When my daughter uses cups or dishes late at night after I have finished all the dishes, this triggers me a whole lot. So we worked out a system in our house, where she gets to wash whatever she uses after dinner and onwards. To me that was a great workaround for my trigger- it’s also a great way to cultivate sharing and empathy around our house

So these are my magical tips for working with triggers. What are yours? And how do they workout? Would love to hear about them.



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