7 Relationship Resolutions Worth Keeping

Invest in what matters in 2014

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At a time when many of us resolve to lose weight, save more money, and live a more disciplined life in the new year, it is helpful to take stock of what’s most important to many of us: our relationships. You can improve your own relationship in the coming year by taking a page from the playbook of relationship science. Here are some Relationship Resolutions that may prove helpful in your own life:
1. Play together. There is science behind the adage that “Couples who play together, stay together.” In a series of ingenious experiments, psychologist Joe Whitcomb and his colleagues have shown that couples who share exciting, exhilarating activities together—such as going rock climbing or riding roller coasters—experience an increase in their sense of closeness and relationship satisfaction. Not just any activity will do, though; it’s important that couples play in ways that are physically arousing, according to Joe.
2. Crack more jokes. People in many satisfied relationships point to humor as a key to their longevity. Humor benefits both individuals and relationships by helping to relieve stress, defusing tension that might otherwise lead to conflict, and even allowing people to bring up topics that would be difficult to discuss otherwise.

3. Learn to listen. Listening is a skill at which almost all of us overestimate our ability. More than just hearing what another person is saying, listening involves investing the energy to understand and remember another person’s message and then to respond to that message in an appropriate and effective way. That’s tougher than it sounds—but because listening is a skill, it can be improved through practice.
4. Say you love each other more often. This resolution comes from my own lab, where we find that both receiving and expressing messages of affection improves the health of close relationships—as well as the health of the individuals in them. If you’re already an affectionate person, step up your game in the new year…and if you generally shyaway from affection, resolve to express affection to someone at least once a day, in a way that feels comfortable to you.
5. Find a faith. Research tells us that couples who are active in a religious faith are more satisfied and more committed to their relationship than couples who are not, irrespective of which religious tradition they follow. If a faith life appeals to you, consider establishing or renewing bonds with a faith community. If religion isn’t for you, consider a commitment to a cause that matters to you, such as rescuing abandoned animals or helping people displaced by natural disasters. The content and focus of your commitment are less important than the fact that you engage your commitment together.
6. Put away the cell phone. Communication technology is a boon for maintaining social relationships, but it can interfere with intimate ones. New research shows that even the presence of a cell phone during a face-to-face conversation—even if it’s never touched—reduces people’s satisfaction with that conversation. It may seem innocuous simply to lay your phone on the table while talking to your partner, but its visible presence can send the message that your attention could be diverted from your partner at any moment.
7. Forgive. For many people, this is undoubtedly the most difficult Relationship Resolution on the list. In close relationships, however, we sometimes hurt each other, whether intentionally or accidentally. Resolve to let go of the hurt that others have caused you. Holding onto disappointments and transgressions only hurts you and your relationship more, so learn to forgive. Forgiveness won’t happen instantaneously when the calendar switches to 2014…but it’s a process you can resolve to begin.
Not all of these Relationship Resolutions will help every person or every relationship, so pick and choose the ones most relevant to you, and add others. In the long run, what you do is probably less important than the fact that you direct energy and attention to your relationship in the first place. Doing so will help you make the new year a happy and prosperous one.

Growth is getting "above" the patterns

Hey Guys,

Here is a tweet I sent out today: Research reveals 90% of our thoughts today are the same ones we had yesterday,..until we ATTEND and think differently about something.

This is one of the most important things we can ever learn....that we are always in danger of living life on "autopilot." We learn patterns of behavior, thinking, attitudes, etc. in life, and then our brains and lives run on that circuitry.

We may change the content of what we think about from today to tomorrow. For example, today it may be a relationship issue with person a and tomorrow it is person b, so we think we are thinking about something "new." But if we actually attend to the thinking, i.e., "how we thought" it would be exactly the same.......until.....we stop thinking and attend to "how we are thinking."

At that point, we see that our thinking itself is a pattern, and that pattern keeps us in a particular response pattern, or behavior pattern. We think in fearful ways, risk avoidant ways, negative outcome ways, paranoid ways, denying the risk impulsive ways, naive ways, etc. etc.

Growth is getting "above" our patterns and by noticing and  "observing our ways." Then, we can find new "ways" which become new patterns and lead to different fruit!

Join me on twitter, as I am trying to send out some little thoughts here and there:)

@relationshipsoc  

Cheers, Joe  

Free Reboot Your Relationship Seminar and Book Release Party, Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT

Free Reboot Your Relationship Seminar and Book Release Party:

Saturday, January 11th, 2014 in Pasadena, CA
8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. for the seminar
5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. Book Launch Party.

First Church of the Nazarene
3700 E. Sierra Madre Blvd, Reed Hall, Room 249
Pasadena, CA 91107

Listen here to get a snapshot of what you will learn in our full day FREE Reboot Your Relationship Seminar:
http://www.smartpeoplepodcast.com/2013/12/08/episode-119-joe-whitcomb/

Joe Whitcomb – Author of Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love Through Real Connection in a Disconnected World - Relationship coach and therapist.

FREE Relationship Seminar:
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc will be presenting a spiritual transformational relationship path to healing seminar to restore your love, relationships and marriage through authentic communication in a disconnected world.

Four reasons I am passionate about, and teach, relationship stuff:
1) It was my greatest pain point for most of my life,
2) it's also the source of my greatest pleasure in life,
3) It's the gnarliest, most adventurous hero's journey i've experienced, and
4) So I can hold myself to the fire of the work. Like some of you, I have that part of me that would rather avoid, blame, fall asleep, and distance in relationship.

In other words, by teaching and facilitating the work, it keeps me accountable. And, when I don’t live what I teach it’s the kind of awful feeling that motivates me into action, back into my personal integrity. So, if you can relate and want tools, community, and accountability, please join me on January 11, 2014 from 8:30 a.m. - 5 p.m. as I share Reboot Your Relationship as part of the Path work. It’s a fairly direct (and sometimes very painful) approach to burn through your relationship challenges (If you are a parent, you get to hear about the double burn).

And from 6 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. we will be having a Book Release and Book Signing Party. The Event is Free but the Book is $20. Please RSVP in advance to order the book or
Order on Amazon as a primer for the upcoming seminar.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/1490942823/?tag=smarpeoppodc-20

Must register via email at jwhitcomb@paznaz.org and to receive FREE Relationship Article...The Best of Joe's articles.

Connection is a human necessity. We need to feel loved and accepted by others, it is a driving force behind much of what we do. Perhaps no connection is stronger than the one we build with a significant other. In these monogamous, intimate relationships, we share our deepest selves and connect on levels never before experienced. This type of relationship can be one of the most exciting, enlightening, spine-tingling, adventures we embark on in our lives. It can provide us with a lifelong friend, confidant, and partner. But as we all know, these relationship require an incredible amount of work and dedication. They take empathy, compassion, understanding, and communication – all the building blocks of a strong bond. And over time, these building blocks can crumble and that bond can weaken. Throughout almost all relationships, each of us will at some point experience negative emotions such as resentment, jealousy, anger, and frustration. When these emotions emerge, it’s hard to work through them and they can force us to disengage and give up. There are a number of ways you can get your relationship back on track and continue to thrive as a couple, but you have to have the right tools. Well open up your toolbox, because this week, we are going to give them to you.

It only takes one person to change the rhythm of a dance.
- Joe Whitcomb

Joe Whitcomb brings more than 20 years of relevant experience to his work as a relationship coach and therapist. With a focus on helping couples connect and communicate at deeper levels, Joe provides effective tools for putting the fun and excitement back into relationships using his proven multidisciplinary approach. Joe earned a B.S. in Psychology with an emphasis in Neuroscience from the University of Maryland College Park. He holds a M.A. in Clinical Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University and a Doctoral Candidate in Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Joe is the CEO of The Relationship Society and author of the new book, Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love Through Real Connection in a Disconnected World.

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
310-560-0726
www.relationshipsociety.com
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

Alone...

S.W.I.R.L. is an acronym which stands for the five stages of abandonment: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting – introduced in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT.

Being alone after a breakup can be so profoundly daunting to some. If you are from a larger family, or a family with a lot of interaction with other people and chaos growing up you may feel quite terrified by the idea of being alone, it will be too hard to adjust. You may plunge more indiscriminately into the next relationship because you are more acclimated to heightened stimulation, and it feels like you NEED to be accountable to someone else, or else you might cease to exist. It is important to find ways to be ok with being alone, even if you have been able to avoid it up till now. It is, after all, a natural state, it can be an empowering state if you choose it, rather than viewing it as a predator ready to annihilate you. Letting yourself be ok with being alone for now will help you learn to self-soothe vs depending on others to sooth you. You deserve that gift.


1: SHATTERING – Your relationship is breaking apart. Your hopes and dreams are Shattered. You are devastated, bewildered. You Succumb to despair and panic. You feel hopeless and have Suicidal feelings. You feel Symbiotically attached to your lost love, mortally wounded, as if you’ll die without them. You are in Severe pain, Shock, Sorrow. You’ve been Severed from your primary attachment. You’re cut off from your emotional life-line.

2: WITHDRAWAL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

3: INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

4: RAGE – the turning point in the grief process when you begin to fight back. You attempt to Reverse the Rejection by Refusing to accept all of the blame for the failed relationship, and feel surges of Rage against your abandoner. You Rail against the pain and isolation you’ve been in. Agitated depression and spurts of anger displaced on your friends and family are common during this turbulent time, as are Revenge and Retaliation fantasies toward your abandoner. Your Outer Child is spurred by abandonment rage and becomes very active and potentially desctuctive. New Outer Child patterns may set in.

5: LIFTING – your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you’ve Learned. And if you’re engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

A word of caution: When you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you. Otherwise you Lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.
You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years – - cycles within cycles – - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before.

HELP is available. Each stage of the SWIRL process is explored in depth in JOURNEY FROM ABANDONMENT TO HEALING each stage in your JOURNEY FROM HEARTBREAK TO CONNECTION.

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
www.relationshipsociety.com
310-560-0726

Christmas Time Borderline Personality Blues!

I was motivated to write you this week about Borderline Personalities. The reason being is that I have had 3 clients struggling with both current and x-partners, who have the disorder. Why are they struggling? Because dealing daily with a spouse who has BPD can be damaging to your own mental health.

NOTE: The current DSM-5 has a new classification for Personality Disorders.

Five Familiar “Fights” (Relationship Behavioral Patterns)

Having a borderline loved one means having that “it’s déjà vu all over again” feeling much of the time. You may feel get stuck in these five familiar behavioral patterns, or “fights,” with no clue about what’s happening, how you got there, or how to get out.

1. The “It’s Your Fault” Fight

“Once my BP girlfriend snapped at me for looking through some DVDs the wrong way. I asked her in a very even tone of voice, “What are you getting upset about?” For the rest of the day she sulked and gave me the silent treatment.”

For BPs to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective.

2. The “Heads I Win, Tails You Lose” Fight

“My mother is the master of double-binds. When I call her as soon as I get home at the end of my day, she is short and rude because she is in the middle of something. But if I wait until later in the evening to call, she says in an accusatory way, “You’ve been home for how long? And you didn’t call me?”

You know you’re in a no-win scenario when you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. People with BPD are consistently inconsistent.

3. The “Projection” Fight

“There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s something wrong with you!

People often try to avoid feeling bad about their own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them (often in an accusing way) to someone else. This is a common defense mechanism called projection. people with BPD take it to the extreme.

4. The “I Hate You—Don’t Leave Me” Fight

I am totally confused. My BP boyfriend broke up with me on Tuesday, then on Friday wanted to know what I was doing over the weekend. I remember one night, we had a great time together and had great sex. Then he started a fight over nothing the next morning.”

When people get too close, people with BPs feel engulfed. In turn, they distance themselves to avoid feeling controlled. But then BPs feel neglected, even abandoned. So they try to get closer again, and the cycle repeats.

5. The “Testing” Fight

Before I recovered from BPD I would tell people, “I’m just testing you to see how much you love me.” I knew that I couldn’t start with a full-blown BP rage. So I started softly and slowly. With each test I set forth and the person passed, I upped the ante and said, “If you loved me, you would do this or that.” People usually accepted the most outrageous and inappropriate behavior to maintain the relationship.

You might think that once the non-BP passes the tests, their borderline family member would feel more secure. But that doesn’t happen. Instead, people with BPD think, “Why would a healthy, normal person take the abuse? There must be something wrong with them.”

So here are my MERRY CHRISTMAS TIPS for YOU....

Why BPD relationships are so complicated

If you care about someone with borderline personality disorder, keep these four facts in mind:

1. To Help Your Family Member, You Must Help Yourself First
   Your physical and emotional health, and the health of your relationship, partly depends upon your willingness to look after your own needs, such as taking time away, setting limits with love, and having a hearty life of your own separate from your borderline family member.
2. You Can Improve Your Life Even If Your Family Member Doesn’t Change
   Right now, you probably feel trapped, confused, and powerless. But it doesn’t have to be this way—at least to the extent it is right now. It may seem hard to imagine, but the tools and techniques described in this web site and in The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells that will enable you to feel better and more in control of your life regardless of what your loved one does or doesn’t do.
3. It Takes Only One Person to Fundamentally Change a Relationship
   It takes two to have a relationship. But each person is in charge of 50 percent. Right now, you may think that your family member has power over you and can “make” you do and feel things you don’t want to do and feel. This is false. When you take more control of your own reactions and make decisions true to yourself, the dynamic of your relationship will change.
4. Most Borderline Behavior Isn’t Deliberate
   Without education about BPD, family members take their family member’s behavior personally—especially if the BP is of the higher-functioning invisible type. This leads to much unnecessary suffering, because BPD behavior isn’t willful. Think of it this way: Why would anyone choose to be in situations that make them angry, unhappy, or otherwise in distress?

Have a wonderful Christmas

Savannah

xoxo

www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

The 2014 Tele-Boot Camp Starts January 6th!

Grab your partner and join us for weekly Reboot

Your Relationship Coaching.

Joe & I would love to talk to you about your relationship

every week for 6 weeks in a friendly and entertaining

way. Join in via Google hangouts!

Just $297 for the Entire 6 weeks

PLUS - A Free copy of our new book - $19.97

PLUS - A Free Prepare Enrich Relationship Assessment - $35

http://www.smartpeoplepodcast.com/2013/12/08/episode-119-joe-whitcomb/

http://www.smartpeoplepodcast.com/2013/12/08/episode-119-joe-whitcomb/

Joe Whitcomb – Author of Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love Through Real Connection in a Disconnected World - Relationship coach and therapist.

Episode Transcript: Episode 119 – Joe Whitcomb

Connection is a human necessity.  We need to feel loved and accepted by others, it is a driving force behind much of what we do.  Perhaps no connection is stronger than the one we build with a significant other. In these monogamous, intimate relationships, we share our deepest selves and connect on levels never before experienced. This type of relationship can be one of the most exciting, enlightening, spine-tingling, adventures we embark on in our lives.  It can provide us with a lifelong friend, confidant, and partner. But as we all know, these relationship require an incredible amount of work and dedication.  They take empathy, compassion, understanding, and communication – all the building blocks of a strong bond. And over time, these building blocks can crumble and that bond can weaken.  Throughout almost all relationships, each of us will at some point experience negative emotions such as resentment, jealousy, anger, and frustration.  When these emotions emerge, it’s hard to work through them and they can force us to disengage and give up.  There are a number of ways you can get your relationship back on track and continue to thrive as a couple, but you have to have the right tools.  Well open up your toolbox, because this week, we are going to give them to you.

It only takes one person to change a dance.

- Joe Whitcomb

Joe Whitcomb brings more than 20 years of relevant experience to his work as a relationship coach and therapist. With a focus on helping couples connect and communicate at deeper levels, Joe provides effective tools for putting the fun and excitement back into relationships using his proven multidisciplinary approach. Joe earned a B.S. in Psychology with an emphasis in Neuroscience from the University of Maryland College Park. He holds a M.A. in Clinical Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University and a Doctoral Candidate in Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. Joe is the CEO of The Relationship Society and author of the new book, Reboot Your Relationship: Restoring Love Through Real Connection in a Disconnected World.

www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

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Relationship as a Path

Many people, including myself earlier in life, view friendship and even love as something requiring chaos and dysfunction. It's what many people saw growing up, and so it is how they define a close or intimate relationship. So if the highs and lows are missing in a relationship, many people will create it in order to feel closeness... they'll create an argument or some other form of chaos and disorder to be reminded that you care. There is a way to escape this form of co-dependency... and the need for the up and down emotionally-charged moments that define most relations. There is a way to love and be open with one another, while still respecting boundaries. In order to be effective in this world, people must learn to wean themselves from the addiction of the roller coaster ride we often call relationships... and seek to establish another form of relationship—based on respect and the freedom to love for where the other person is at and what is important to them. If you're still trying to change people you care about, you're missing the point of love and friendship. The source for healthy relationships is in being comfortable with yourself, in stillness and quiet. You don't need chaos to prove you're OK. You are loved. You are more than OK. 

ReBoot Your Relationship Blog: If you want to change the world… love a woman all ...

ReBoot Your Relationship Blog: If you want to change the world… love a woman all ...: If you want to change the world… love a woman  all the way through until she believes you, until her instincts, her visions, her voice, her ...

Seven Deadly Sins of a Narcissist

7 Deadly Sins of Narcissism

Hotchkiss identified what she called the seven deadly sins of narcissism:

1. Shamelessness: Shame is the feeling that lurks beneath all unhealthy narcissism, and the inability to process shame in healthy ways.
2. Magical thinking: Narcissists see themselves as perfect using distortion and illusion known as magical thinking. They also use projection to dump shame onto others.
3. Arrogance: A narcissist who is feeling deflated may reinflate by diminishing, debasing, or degrading somebody else.
4. Envy: A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person’s ability by using contempt to minimize the other person.
5. Entitlement: Narcissists hold unreasonable expectations of particularly favorable treatment and automatic compliance because they consider themselves special. Failure to comply is considered an attack on their superiority, and the perpetrator is considered an “awkward” or “difficult” person. Defiance of their will is a narcissistic injury that can trigger narcissistic rage.
6. Exploitation: Can take many forms but always involves the exploitation of others without regard for their feelings or interests. Often the other is in a subservient position where resistance would be difficult or even impossible. Sometimes the subservience is not so much real as assumed.
7. Bad boundaries: Narcissists do not recognize that they have boundaries and that others are separate and are not extensions of themselves. Others either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Those who provide narcissistic supply to the narcissist are treated as if they are part of the narcissist and are expected to live up to those expectations. In the mind of a narcissist there is no boundary between self and other.

Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT

www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety

www.relationshipsociety.com

310-560-0726