Get a 3,000 mile Oil Change for Your Marriage
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT, CEO, The Relationship Society
Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and Educator
www.relationshipsociety.com
Preventative maintenance is always less expensive.
We know it is required with cars, so why don’t we do it for our relationships?
All relationships require effort. I’m reluctant to call it “work” because at the heart of the matter (pun intended) the effort and energy expended to grow and enjoy a relationship should be framed as “fun” not “work.”
The word work is often associated with pain, monotony and exhaustive effort.
Fun, on the other hand, is associated with energy. However, the difference is in the framing of that effort. When we play “hard” we enjoy that play.
No matter how much we were “in love” when we met, couples, like our cars, required tune ups and oil changes.
Here are 5 tips to not only prevent your marriage from going stale, but to fan the flames of love and romance so you can enjoy the ride with passion…once again.
1. Actively listen. Instead of reacting emotionally to a disagreement, put your feelings aside 100%. Take your spouse’s place (physically if necessary) and view the issue from their perspective. Don’t respond to their side of the argument…let them explain it and ask them to expand it.
2. Affirm their feelings. Even if you disagree with their statement, acknowlege their feelings. Just because you understand someone, doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Accept their feelings and you’ll be lowering the spiral down effects of judgement.
3. Compartmentalize emotions from behaviors. Quite often, people discuss (or argue) about a topic that isn’t even the root issue. The high level emotion of conflict is fuel enough to build resentment, angst and frustration. When you compartmentalize the emotions and discuss the core issue from a detached persepective, you will both be clear.
4. Have a goal. When people disagree on any topic, the traditional goal is to sway a person’s opinion from their side to yours. Arguing never achieves this goal. “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” is a powerful and true statement. A better goal would be to learn how you can collaborate (not acquiesce) with your spouse on the root issue.
5. Disconnect. Disconnection is not the same as compartmentalizing. When you compartmentalize, you acknowledge anger. You simply separate it from the core issue. Disconnection is actually not getting angry at all. Many Eastern religions talk about “attachment being the key to suffering.” The more we detach from a thing, the less power it holds over us. We can still love, openly, honestly and fully, but when we disconnect from a specific outcome, we are more relaxed and thus, better prepared to heal, grow and evolve.
In addition to using these four steps, be mindful of your personal energy and emotions. If you can’t calm down before discussing the issue without judgement, take a break and come back after you know you won’t say anything you’ll regret.
With patience and proactive communication, you’ll not only be able to discuss things more easily, you’ll end up preventing future conflicts.
Just as you car needs an oil change every 3,000 miles, your relationship won’t just run out of gas, but without consistent check ups and maintenance, it can die.
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT, CEO, The Relationship Society
Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship Coach, and Educator
www.relationshipsociety.com
Preventative maintenance is always less expensive.
We know it is required with cars, so why don’t we do it for our relationships?
All relationships require effort. I’m reluctant to call it “work” because at the heart of the matter (pun intended) the effort and energy expended to grow and enjoy a relationship should be framed as “fun” not “work.”
The word work is often associated with pain, monotony and exhaustive effort.
Fun, on the other hand, is associated with energy. However, the difference is in the framing of that effort. When we play “hard” we enjoy that play.
No matter how much we were “in love” when we met, couples, like our cars, required tune ups and oil changes.
Here are 5 tips to not only prevent your marriage from going stale, but to fan the flames of love and romance so you can enjoy the ride with passion…once again.
1. Actively listen. Instead of reacting emotionally to a disagreement, put your feelings aside 100%. Take your spouse’s place (physically if necessary) and view the issue from their perspective. Don’t respond to their side of the argument…let them explain it and ask them to expand it.
2. Affirm their feelings. Even if you disagree with their statement, acknowlege their feelings. Just because you understand someone, doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Accept their feelings and you’ll be lowering the spiral down effects of judgement.
3. Compartmentalize emotions from behaviors. Quite often, people discuss (or argue) about a topic that isn’t even the root issue. The high level emotion of conflict is fuel enough to build resentment, angst and frustration. When you compartmentalize the emotions and discuss the core issue from a detached persepective, you will both be clear.
4. Have a goal. When people disagree on any topic, the traditional goal is to sway a person’s opinion from their side to yours. Arguing never achieves this goal. “A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still” is a powerful and true statement. A better goal would be to learn how you can collaborate (not acquiesce) with your spouse on the root issue.
5. Disconnect. Disconnection is not the same as compartmentalizing. When you compartmentalize, you acknowledge anger. You simply separate it from the core issue. Disconnection is actually not getting angry at all. Many Eastern religions talk about “attachment being the key to suffering.” The more we detach from a thing, the less power it holds over us. We can still love, openly, honestly and fully, but when we disconnect from a specific outcome, we are more relaxed and thus, better prepared to heal, grow and evolve.
In addition to using these four steps, be mindful of your personal energy and emotions. If you can’t calm down before discussing the issue without judgement, take a break and come back after you know you won’t say anything you’ll regret.
With patience and proactive communication, you’ll not only be able to discuss things more easily, you’ll end up preventing future conflicts.
Just as you car needs an oil change every 3,000 miles, your relationship won’t just run out of gas, but without consistent check ups and maintenance, it can die.
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