If a couple wants to thrive and really deepen over the long haul, they must have two pieces in place:
1) shared context and
2) share language/tools.
In other words, if one person is growing and the other isn’t, it’s not going to work. One will simply outgrow the other. One will feel judged while the other will feel unmet. Of course, if the couple wants to stay in this type of relationship, they could make it work if the growth-oriented person chooses to abandon themselves and collude with the less growth-oriented person’s fear. “I love you so much, I will stop growing for you.” This “agree to disagree” approach is complacency rooted in fear for both parties. If they do try to make it work, it leads to endless frustration and struggle or, an overall giving up, settling, and checking out. I see it often. And, there’s another way. Believe it or not, I can have what I want relationally. It’s true. And it requires that I love myself much deeper than I thought was possible and that I heal my own past that is showing up in the present. If we commit to this, the game of getting the other person to love us the just right way, ends.
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