Reboot Your Relationship -- Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
Our Relationship Dance: Fight for Connection (Pursue/Withdraw)
The need for closeness and the reactions to being
disconnected are a natural part of being human in close relationships,
especially in a marital relationship. Couples also long for closeness while
protecting their hearts from being hurt and devalued. Spouses cling and cry,
get angry and protest, or become withdrawn and detached when actually all they long for is closeness and to be valued.
There are ways couples interact that hurt the bond
of their relationship. Pursuing and withdrawing is a common way couples relate
that often leaves them far apart from each other. Many couples are stuck in a
rigid pursue-withdraw cycle of interacting in an attempt to be seen and understood
where one partner pursues and, in response, the other withdraws. The more the pursuer pursues, the
further the withdrawer pulls away and shuts down.
In the pursue-withdraw cycle, both partners are
unable to share what is going on in their heart; they are only able to share
their anger, frustration and hurt.
The pursuer feels the loss of his or her partner's
attention, care, or concern and so searches out him or her with anger,
frustration, and hurt. The pursuer feels that if he or she does not pursue, he
or she will not be seen or understood. Wives, who are usually the pursuers,
often say, "I nag because I feel he will not hear me. He's just not there
emotionally. He can't shut me out like that."
The with-drawer, overwhelmed by the pursuer's
emotion, feels alienated and helpless in pleasing his or her partner. And so,
in protection, the withdrawer pulls away. Husbands, who are often withdrawers,
say they are left feeling devalued, disrespected, and unworthy. Unable to calm
and soothe their wife, they withdraw to find peace.
Withdrawers frequently walk on eggshells and skirt
around issues that may trigger displeasure in their spouse. Oftentimes
withdrawers say that attempting to get their point across is not worth the
hassle, because they feel that their spouse would not understand them anyway.
The Impact of the Cycle on Your Marriage Bond:
When a spouse is busy pursuing or putting a lot of energy into withdrawing, he or she does not have the emotional space to
hold his or her partner's perspective and needs. Couples begin to see each
other as unavailable and inconsiderate. They say of each other, "My
husband (or wife) just doesn't understand me. He (or she) isn't there for me
and no longer cares about how I feel."
Sharing one's heart freely begins to feel
dangerous. Couples say, "There's no way my spouse would understand me. I
learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would just mean I'd be hurt
again." When husbands and wives emotionally disconnect, their relationship
no longer feels safe or secure. They no longer turn toward each other for
support or comfort.
What Triggers Your Pursue-Withdraw Cycle:
Something happens, and suddenly you see your spouse in a different light. You
perceive your spouse to no longer be the kind, thoughtful, loving person you
married but rather the person who does not care about you or value your heart.
And although you might not doubt your commitment or your love, you, in the
moment, dislike your spouse.
We all have had a time when what our spouse did
meant to us that they didn't care. And when you feel your spouse doesn't care,
or is not there for you, your cycle is usually triggered. Too often differences
are interpreted as "You don't value me."
Mary and John are very different from each other. Mary
is a night owl and John is an early bird. John interpreted Mary's inability to
fall asleep at 9:00 P.M. as uncaring and disrespectful. Mary viewed John's
request for her to come to bed at 9:00 P.M. as unreasonable and insensitive to
her need to relax after a long day at work. Their difference in internal body
clocks is not seen as that but rather as the inability of the other to be sensitive
and caring. Their differences become a threat to their close attachment bond.
When differences are seen as damaging to the
relationship, you and your spouse judge one another as being the enemy rather
than friends. Most of the time it was the differences that drew you and your
spouse together in the first place. You were outgoing and bold, and your spouse
was quiet and gentle. After hurts, disappointments, and inability to talk about
the complications and difficulties that arise as a result of being different, the
differences in your spouse change from positive to negative.
A connection comes when you and your spouse are
able to sit together and risk talking openly. Don't let the difficulties that
differences bring trigger your rigid cycle of criticism, blame, defensiveness,
and withdrawal. It is in this cycle that you and your spouse lose sight of each
other's value.
Sharing Heart needs and Longings: As a couple, it
is important to talk about the needs, hurts, longings, and feelings of your
heart in an open and honest way. In this way you and your spouse can find a
path to each other instead of pursuing and withdrawing. Instead of this
openness, all too many couples chose the disconnecting path. Or they chose to communicate
in ineffective ways.
Expressing your needs and longings to your spouse
can be difficult. Some people don't know what they feel or need. Others feel
that if their spouse really loved them, he or she would know what they needed
without having to tell them. This expectation is very damaging to the
relationship because it keeps your heart's needs and longings hidden and your
pain of being alone heightened. It tempts you to up the ante and angrily pursue
your spouse to keep guessing what you need. It also sets up your spouse to withdraw
in frustration, because no matter what he or she does, it is just not good
enough.
If you are a withdrawer, it will be important for
you to share openly and honestly your feelings and needs. Risk being
emotionally available to your spouse. It might be important to admit, "I
can't come close to you and be there for you when you are angry and criticizing
me." In this way, you can allow yourself to be there for your spouse in a
more open way.
If you are a pursuer, learn to express your heart
rather than just getting angry or criticizing. Reach beyond your anger and
harsh words to a softer place. From that place, express your longings and fears
and ask for your spouse to be there for you. Interactions then won't revolve
around your anger and disappointment. You will both come together around the
tender longings of your heart.
Don't be afraid to admit that sometimes you don't
know what to do. Say something like, "I care for you, but I don't always
know what to say or do." This invites your spouse to share what they need
from you. In this way you are connecting in honesty and warmth instead of anger
and defensiveness.
Emotions and Hearts: Couples don't always know
what to do with each other's emotions. Husbands are taught to buck up and not
feel. And wives don't always know how to express their feelings in a manner
that their husbands can hear, understand, and respect. Often spouses fear that
their emotions will be found unacceptable or that they will be thought of as weak.
How you and your spouse deal with your emotions will be very important to your
bond. ... So what are you supposed to do with your spouse's emotions? Try
listening.
Listen to your spouse's emotions with an
empathetic attitude. Listen not only with your logic but with your heart as
well. Aim to understand your spouse's heart. To do that you often have to
listen beyond the words. You don't always have to find a solution, fix what is
wrong, or solve the problem. Often spouses can't just listen to their partner's
heart without
being defensive, reading into the conversation
more than what was intended, or being hurt by what is said. Learn to say,
"That must have been difficult." "Sounds like you had a rough
day." "I would be disappointed if that kept happening to me
too."
Both husbands and wives long to be heard,
understood, and respected. Most often your spouse comes to you to share his or
her heart and life. Listening is the most powerful way to show your spouse that
you understand and accept him or her.
Reconnecting Your Hearts: It will be important for
you and your spouse to emotionally reconnect as soon as possible after being
hurt and hooked into your cycle. Remember, disconnecting and not talking for
days or sweeping the whole encounter under the rug and coming back together to
take care of household tasks is not a reconnection of hearts, only of
schedules.
Unresolved hurts and issues add strain and stress
to your haven of safety, and soon you and your spouse learn not to turn toward
each other but rather away.
HOW SHOULD YOU CONNECT AFTER BEING HURT? Remember three things:
• First, come back together and acknowledge what
happened. Understand your as well as your spouse's part of the cycle. Admit to
your role in keeping the cycle going. Remember, your bond is more valuable than
your being right.
• Second, share your hurts and needs rather than
your anger and frustration. Remember you both value the relationship. Neither
wants to hurt or be hurt.
• Third, when all is said and done, touch and
talk to each other in a soft tone of voice, sharing encouraging words. This can
be very powerful. The touch of your spouse is physiologically soothing and
calming. It assures both of you that the bond is safe and sure.
CREATING CONNECTIONS: There are many
ways to build the attachment bond between you and your spouse. Here are two ways that are effective:
• First, believe the best of intentions of your
spouse. Your spouse isn't always out to get you, even though it seems that way
at times. You long to be loved and valued, and so does your spouse. Believe
that.
• Second, risk doing things differently. Open up
your heart and learn how to relate to your spouse in a way that draws you
together.
When Your Relationship Is a Safe Place: It will be
of great value that the emotional attachment bond between you and your souse
becomes close, safe, trustworthy, and predictable. If your marriage is
perceived to be a haven of safety, you and your spouse will be a resource for
each other and able to withstand the pressures and pains of marriage and life.
But a close attachment bond doesn't just happen.
It is over the course of time and experiences, as each of you interact and
respond to each other, that your bond will be nurtured and strengthened. In
this way you will experience your relationship as a safe place where your heart
can safely be shared and cherished.
Joe Whitcomb, PsyDc, LMFT
www.facebook.com/therelationshipsociety
www.relationshipsociety.com
310-560-0726
relationshipsociety@gmail.com
No comments:
Post a Comment